


I Will Choke Until I Swallow

by KickingCabs



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Consensual sex in the last chapter, Depictions of sexual abuse are mentioned but not explicit, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Self-Harm, lawrusso
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27755728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KickingCabs/pseuds/KickingCabs
Summary: Johnny has hit rock bottom when Daniel knocks on his door to mend fences.
Relationships: Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence, John Kreese & Johnny Lawrence, John Kreese/Johnny Lawrence
Comments: 110
Kudos: 253





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Diverges from canon mid season 2

They had ended things amicably, him and Amanda. It hadn't been any _one_ thing. There was no explosive fight, just a painful but honest conversation that had been a long time coming. It just hadn't been working out and they had grown apart, they'd told Sam and Anthony. And although true, the words had sounded shallow and cliche even to his own ears. It didn't sound _enough._

The kids had been worried at first, wondering what it would mean for them and how their lives were going to change. But once they had explained things the kids had been, well, if not okay with it then at least accepting. It was better than he had hoped.

Amanda had moved out, a decision that had surprised him when she had first brought it up. But it made sense. Amanda was eager to venture out and start fresh. And the house had always been a source of pride for Daniel and he had spent countless hours over the years on small projects and upkeep.

They had agreed to continue working and sharing the dealership, but Amanda would be taking on more control. An easy agreement considering that she had already been running things alone the whole summer. And Daniel would have more time to commit to Miyagi-Do without feeling the disappointed silence that had seemed to fill his and Amanda's every encounter.

He had found his footing with relative ease, but he had to admit he had been worried that on the nights the kids weren't staying with him that the house would become a bit _too_ quiet and lonesome. But Daniel discovered that their house guest more than made up for it.

Robby hadn't been able to hide his expression of pure relief when Daniel and Amanda had explained that he was still welcome to stay in the guest house while his mom went through rehab.

And Robby had become something of a third child to him and a fixture in the house. Watching movies, joining meals, swimming, and training. Lots of training. He was part of the family.

Daniel pushed back the small pang of guilt he occasionally felt when he'd remember the words Amanda had spoken months ago. _'He has a father...'_

He had never set out to replace Johnny, but if Robby preferred to stay in the LaRusso household, Daniel wasn't going to turn him away.

Still. That guilty pang only grew when he thought about how Johnny must feel to know his own kid wanted nothing to do with him. So Robby had said.

But Daniel couldn't shake the feeling from his conscious that, seeing as Robby looked up to him, he could at least _try_. Try to extend the olive branch and maybe they could salvage what, if anything, was left between Johnny and Robby.

He wasn't quite ready to admit that a large part of him just wanted to mend things between Johnny and _himself_. It was always one step forward and ten steps back with them.

Johnny was infuriating. He was an asshole. And he could never quite seem to figure the man out. But Daniel couldn't ignore the fondness he felt when he and Johnny met half way in a truce. He couldn't help but kind of like the guy.

The jerk.

So here he was, his GPS telling him that the run down apartment complex in Reseda that he'd just pulled up to was, in fact, the destination he'd typed into his phone earlier. Johnny's address.


	2. Chapter 2

He was slipping. Had been slipping for what amounted to basically his whole life. Spiraling further out of control with each passing year.

Johnny hadn't been honest with Miguel when he'd told the kid that he hadn't known his father. But starting in high school, it had been the lie he'd always told anyone who had asked. That it had been just him and his mom until she had married Sid. It was easier.

Sid had pushed him around some and wasn't afraid to land a blow here and there, but it had been the sharp and cutting words, the ones that made Johnny feel like dirt that had bothered him most. The thick, oppressive air in that house in Encino was suffocating. 

It felt like drowning. 

Years before Sid came along, his father had been a different beast, reminding Johnny of a tsunami. A 6'2" wave as strong as concrete, barreling back into their lives and leaving complete and utter destruction. A mess for them to rebuild upon as soon as he left. And dread, wondering when he might come back. 

It felt like drowning. 

Like tightness in his chest and a panic when the breath he would try to suck in wouldn't come. When his dad had wound his arm, his hand, the cord from a nearby lamp, around his neck, tight, tighter until black spots dotted his vision. Until more than once, he had literally peed himself in fear.

Kreese. He had picked out Johnny's weakness in a surprisingly short time, noting the hysterical change in the boy when he had put Johnny in a headlock for the first time.

They had spent years practicing how to get out of it. ' _Slither, Lawrence. This isn't difficult.'_

But everytime, Johnny found himself paralyzed and unable to defend himself. He knew the moves. His body just wouldn't cooperate. And the disappointed look from Kreese? The one that swallowed him whole with shame?

It felt like drowning. 

He had desperately craved Kreese's approval. His attention. It had cut in a way he hadn't known possible, all those years ago, when Kreese had turned his weakness against him that night after the tournament. 

He wished Miyagi had minded his own business. He wished he'd have let Kreese finish what he'd started.


	3. Chapter 3

Johnny startled and jerked sharply awake, landing with a loud thump as he fell from his bed to the floor in a heap, his elbow hitting the metal bed frame and his head colliding with the nightstand. 

He gasped for air harshly as he got his bearings. He didn't remember the dream, but still felt a phantom limb squeezing tighter around his throat.

The nightmares had gotten worse. The fragile, barely-there control Johnny once had on his life was slipping through his fingers. He was toeing the edge of something dangerous.

He struck the left side of his head, hard, one more time against the nightstand, where he had bumped it before. Then again. And again. And then once more for good measure. He felt a guilty thrill when the blood began dripping, steadily down the side of his head and behind his ear. The sharp pain bit through the fog in his head, but the relief was momentary and didn't help the feeling in his stomach.

He felt sick. 

And desperate. For what, he wasn't sure.

' _Liar,' s_ aid the voice in his head.

He _knew_ what he wanted. He just didnt want to admit it.

' _Comfort_ '.

Fine. 

He crawled up onto his knees and pushed himself to stand, stumbling slightly into the bedroom door frame before straightening himself. 

He made his way to the kitchen and took two long pulls from the bottle of bourbon he'd left on the counter. Then he poped open a beer, downing the whole thing and sighing at the taste. 

There. Comfort.   
I mean, he _did_ feel better. In a way. The only way he knew how, that is. It's not like he deserved anything more. 

Ugh. His own thoughts sounded pathetic. Why did he have to be this way? He took another drink of bourbon.

As he began to wake up, Johnny felt a thick dread creep his way into his stomach as reality started to sink in. 

He had lost the dojo. 

When Kreese had come back into his life and apologized, Johnny had wanted so badly to believe it was sincere. That the man he still somehow loved like a father in some _insanely_ fucked up way, had come back to him. And that he was sorry. And proud. 

But there was this guilt. A fear that woke him up at night. What if Kreese hurt one of the kids? It would be Johnny's fault for allowing him back. 

And so he had finally stood up to Kreese and told the man to get lost. It was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life.

He had been so wrong to think that Kreese had changed. 

The next day the dojo and half the strip mall had mysteriously started on fire and had been burnt down to almost nothing. They said the fire started in the business adjacent to the dojo. But Johnny knew it had been Kreese. Kreese, who had seemingly disappeared off the face of the planet. Again. 

It was his own fault for trusting the man. And when Kreese had told him that he had paid the piled up bills on Johnny's desk, Johnny had simply believed him. Kreese had lied. He had taken the money for himself and left the dojo's bills unpaid. Insurance included. God he was an idiot. 

It felt like a punch to the gut when they'd told him the insurance coverage for Cobra Kai had lapsed and no, they would not be covering the fire damage. 

And that was that. 

Johnny gulped down half of another beer, pausing only briefly for a breath before finishing it off. 

He had no dojo. No job. No income.

Then came a new stack of unpaid bills and an increasingly dirty look from his landlady.

And now an eviction notice in hand.

He was gonna be done for if he didn't get back on his feet asap. Honestly though, he could barely muster up anything inside of him to care. 

What was the point? He was so tired. Tired of feeling like there was something wrong with him. 

He needed more beer. The single can left in his fridge woudn't last him. He made his way towards the door, keys in hand, trying to push down the prickly feeling of anxiety in his chest. 


	4. Chapter 4

As Daniel raised his hand to knock, Johnny's door flew open and he found himself staring at Johnny's disheveled figure and startled eyes. It didn't look like he'd showered in days.

Thrown off guard himself, Daniel blinked and watched the look in Johnny's eyes change from startled to pissed. Daniel braced himself, already feeling like a fight was imminent. 

Johnny's eyes narrowed. "What the hell LaRusso, have you seriously been standing here waiting for me to open the door? I know your wife left you, but that's no excuse for you to start stalking me." 

Daniel bristled at the comment about his ex-wife. "Don't flatter yourself, Johnny. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the fact that I'm currently raising _your_ son." He meant it to sting. 

Johnny's posture deflated like a balloon that had been popped, the fight leaving his eyes, reminding Daniel of the look on Johnny's face the night he had discovered Robby had been training with him. _'You gotta be kidding me_ '. He had said it so softly and broken that it hurt to remember it. 

Shit. This wasn't why he came here. Why did it always have to be so difficult with Johnny?

"Whatever LaRusso," Johnny said tiredly. "If you just came here to gloat, save it okay? You've got my kid, Cobra Kai is gone, Kreese is gone, and I'm two weeks away from being homeless while you're living it up in Encino." His voice turned bitter. "You won! Again. Congratulations." 

Daniel rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be baited despite his better judgement. "Johnny, _come on_ , you have no one to blame but yourself for any of that. Your relationship with Robby is _your_ problem. And as for the rest? It's not my fault you have piss poor decision making skills, I mean seriously, why the _hell_ would you _ever_ let Kreese back into your life?"

There was a wounded look that flashed across Johnny's face before it hardened. "Fuck. You." Johnny said coldly. He then stepped back slightly, further into his apartment and went to slam the door shut. But Daniel shoved forward, jamming the door and taking a deep breath. Shit. Shit. He had done it again. 

"Wait, Johnny, just wait."

Johnny stared at him, but kept up the pressure against his door, Daniel pushing back. Good Lord, they were grown men, Daniel thought. They always seemed to bring out the worst in each other.

Not that he was gonna give Johnny the satisfaction of giving in. 

They stood there vying for leverage, until Johnny got a glint in his eyes. Daniel didn't have time to process the look before Johnny let go of the door with a flourish. The door gave way under Daniel's weight and he almost face planted as he fell forward into Johnny's apartment. 

Daniel took a deep breath for what felt like the millionth time since arriving at Johnny's place and tried to remind himself of why he came there.

Johnny's smirk didn't reach his eyes as he stood watching Daniel regain his feet. He nudged the door shut with his foot, then bit at his thumb and stared at Daniel a moment longer before his curiosity seemed to get the better of him. "You said you came here about Robby?" 

Daniel noted the slight worry in his tone and held his hands up. "Nothing is wrong, okay? Honestly. I just thought that..." Daniel paused, thought what? What had he been thinking again?

Johnny continued to stare at him expectantly. 

Daniel started again, "I just wanted to let you know that my door is open. I'd like you to come have dinner with us sometimes. I know Robby says he doesn't want anything to do with you, but I _know_ that's not true. He's just afraid of being disappointed." 

' _Again_.' It was unspoken, but Johnny heard the word clearly.

Johnny swallowed and nodded, looking down. Yeah. Like he needed a reminder that his own kid was at the top of the long list of people he'd disappointed. 

Daniel took in the sight of Johnny's defeated posture and sighed. He looked around, trying to find the right words, but got distracted as his eyes wondered around the sparse room. This place was depressing. How many years had _this_ been the best that Johnny could manage, Daniel wondered?

A new and reckless thought formed in Daniel's mind and before he could stop himself he was speaking again. "Come stay with me, us I mean. Me, the kids, and Robby. Robby _does_ want a relationship with you. And you said it yourself, your time in this apartment is running out. Stay with us and take some time to get back on your feet. I've got an extra bedroom." Daniel added with a smirk, "plus I cook."

Daniel paused, noticing the rising heat that had started to flush up Johnny's neck and into his face. 

"Don't even start," Daniel said firmly, interrupting Johnny before he could speak. "I _know_ you don't need my _pity_. That's not what this is, don't be difficult."

Daniel stepped closer to Johnny, wanting him to understand. _Needing_ him to believe he was sincere. That he wanted things to be better between them. That he was tired of this constant battle and just wanted to see more of the Johnny that he saw the day they went for a test drive.

But Johnny's body seemed to tense and he stilled as Daniel got closer. He smelled like booze. And like a distant warning bell, a vision of a threatened snake, ready to bite, flashed in Daniel's mind.

He planted his feet. He should have thought this through.


	5. Chapter 5

The tightness in Johnny's chest was back. Daniel was looking at him with his big dumb eyes and the close proximity was filling him an stifling unease. Rarely did anything good come from someone being physically close to him. 

' _Dont be difficult,'_ Daniel had said. The words made him shudder.

His mother may have cared for him in her own way, but she was far from affectionate. His adoration of her had never really amounted to much more than a slight smile from her, with pursed lips. 

' _Don't be difficult_.' 

She had tried, meekly, to stand up for Johnny on occasion, but it had been useless and she had retreated into a shell that Johnny simply wasn't good enough to penetrate. 

' _Don't upset your father, Johnny, I don't want any more fighting.'_ As if it was _his_ fault for being punished over nothing. 

Kreese had always been able to read him like a book. And so he'd given Johnny what the boy had so desperately craved. Attention. Affection. Just enough to keep Johnny coming back for more.

Kreese would place his hand on Johnny's shoulder, or pat his head, ruffling his hair slightly, like a dog. He had Johnny eating out of the palm of his hand. Those were fleeting moments, ones that left Johnny desperate for more. 

And as Johnny grew taller and filled out more, Kreese's hands began to stray. ' _Don't be difficult, Lawrence.'_ And Johnny bit his tongue, not willing to upset his Sensei. Terrified of being turned away. Of losing the only person who showed him love.

Feeling sick, Johnny shook away his thoughts. They were way too dangerous to be wading through when he wasn't alone. Too dangerous to be thinking of _ever_. 

Focus.

Daniel was too close. Couldn't he tell this was freaking him out? Johnny hated himself for being like this. 

Stop being a fucking spaz.

It took everything he had not to shrink away from Daniel and his stupid face and his stupid, wide eyes. 

His emotions must have shown on his face, because it looked like Daniel was about to back up. 

Or at least he had started to, until their closeness brought Daniel's attention to the deepening red patch on the side of Johnny's head. 

Oh yeah, the blood. Shit. 

It had dripped down, half hidden behind Johnny's ear and down his neck, staining the collar of his already red shirt into a slightly darker shade. 

"Johnny. You're bleeding," Daniel said, reaching his hand forward to Johnny's shoulder, attempting to get a better look.

"Keep your hands to _yourself_ ," Johnny snapped and shrugged off Daniel's hand sharply. His shoulder burned where Daniel had touched him, reminding him of the heavy weight of Kreese's hand resting there in the same spot. His body started shaking slightly. Adrenaline. Fight or flight.

"I just bumped my head, no need to get your panties in a bunch Danielle." Johnny swallowed hard, but refused to look away. ' _Keep your eyes on the enemy._ '

"You _bumped_ your head," Daniel said back disbelievingly and rolled his eyes. " _Bumped_ it. Really."

"Yeah, _really_." Johnny tried to move, inching away with his body still faced towards Daniel, intent on the distraction in the fridge, the last beer waiting for him. 

But Daniel pulled on Johnny's flannel shirt, bringing him back, the same way he'd done at the dealership when they had first reconnected. The same way Kreese would grip his gi when he pulled Johnnny closer after the others had left and the dojo doors were locked. 

And there it was. The loose thread in Johnny's chest snapped and he shoved Daniel, hard. "I said don't touch me!" Johnny tried to holler, but it came out high and panicked.

Daniel stumbled slightly, but recovered fast. He had the nerve to stare back at Johnny as if _he_ was the one being unreasonable. "Johnn-"

"Fuck you!" Johnny's body had started shaking harder, unable to keep himself still. "You don't just get to barge into my place, uninvited, so you can remind me of how shitty my life is, and then pretend to act like you fucking care!"

"Johnny." Daniel held his hands up, open.

"Just, fuck off!" Johnny yelled again. He felt dizzy. Everything felt _wrong_. But Daniel wasn't moving. "I said-"

"JOHN! _Stop_ it." Daniel's face was firm and his voice had a hard, commanding edge that he couldn't ignore. It made him feel like a child. 

God, Daniel was still looking at him. His skin crawled and he felt like he was being dissected. Flayed open and raw and unable to filter himself any longer.

His breath was shuddering. _Shit. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it_. He tried desperately to clamp down on the feeling rising in his chest. It wasn't working. 

"Johnny, please, look at me," Daniel's voice brought him back, not realizing that he'd been pressing his palms into his eyes, hard, trying to push everything back in. 

It wasn't working. 

A voice filtered through Johnny's head briefly. It sounded suspiciously like Tommy. ' _Maybe denying yourself any chance at emotional healing and drinking your pain away for thirty years, wasn't the best way to cope, Johnny boy._

A sob escaped him without warning, and years of pent up emotion followed after. 


	6. Chapter 6

Daniel rushed forward as Johnny crumpled. He barely caught him around the waist as the other man's knees buckled and he maneuvered them slowly to the ground.

Jesus, Johnny was crying, harsh and painful and completely wrecked. Daniel wrapped his arms around him and rocked him slightly while Johnny curled in on himself.

This had slipped thoroughly out of control, Daniel thought. He felt lost.

How had this gone from him wanting to see if Johnny would come over for dinner maybe once a week to having the man sobbing in his arms?

When Daniel softly ran his hand up and down Johnny's back, the man stiffened and tried to shrug him off. Daniel stopped stroking him, but squeezed his arms around Johnny tighter. He wasn't going anywhere. It seemed to help, the strong hug calming Johnny bit by bit, until he had mostly quieted.

"Come on Johnny," Daniel spoke softly. "Come with me, let me help you out. We gotta get you cleaned up, you can't leave here like this."

Daniel stood and pulled at Johnny's arms, helping him to his feet. He placed his hand at the small of Johnny's back and steered him slowly towards the bathroom. Johnny squirmed away from his hand, bumping slightly into the wall, but continued into the bathroom.

Johnny sat down heavily on the toilet, his mind out of it. Johnny's normally piercing gaze was unfocused, making Daniel uneasy. It was so unlike Johnny to be quiet. Pliant.

Daniel started the water in the tub and turned back to Johnny. "I'm gonna help you get undressed, okay? Johnny?"

It didnt seem as if Johnny had even heard him. But then, after a beat, Johnny nodded his head, just barely.

He reached for Johnny's wrist and began to help him out of the plaid button down. He struggled a bit as Johnny sat limply, not helping, but not fighting him either. Then he inched forward again to pull on the hem of his undershirt, taking it up and over Johnny's head, careful for the wound there.

"I got you, come here." He raised Johnny up by the shoulders making sure the man was steady on his feet before he moved to slide the jeans and boxers down his legs, averting his gaze. He steered Johnny to the tub and helped him sit down.

Daniel found a wash cloth and a bar of soap nearby and began scrubbing up and down Johnny's arms, his back, his chest, washing away the grime from at least a few days.

Daniel tried not to stare too closely, but couldn't help but take note of the various marks on Johnny's body.

A few small, jagged scars on his lower back, another on his bicep, and one on his side. Too many bar fights, Daniel guessed.

There was a fairly long, thin line Daniel almost didn't notice, that stretched diagonally from his left shoulder blade towards his spine. And another smaller one just below it.

There was a strange rectangular shaped burn on his stomach, under his ribs that puzzled Daniel, and a few small burns near the base of Johnny's neck.

He slowed his movements as he got closer to the dried blood on Johnny's neck, noting the way Johnny held his breath.

"Hey. Johnny," Daniel tried to find the man's gaze. "I need to clean the blood, alright?" He paused. "It's just me."

Johnny didn't look at him, but nodded and released the air from his chest.

He kept going, washing away the blood and then gently dabbed at the wound on the side of Johnny's head. "I don't know, Johnny, but I think you'll need stitches." Johnny gave no response.

Daniel continued on, taking more soap and massaging it into the rest of Johnny's hair. "Tilt your head back."

Johnny didn't move, his head stayed where it was, chin slumped down to his chest. "Okay, just close your eyes then at least," Daniel said before using his hands to lift water over Johnny's head, rinsing the soap out slowly. He was beginning to suspect that Johnny had a concussion. The way he had stumbled into the bathroom and his slowed responsiveness made it certainly seem like it.

Daniel held out the wash cloth, "I'll let you finish up, okay? Then come get dressed, Johnny. We're going to the doctor."

Johnny's movements were sluggish, as if he was processing things slowly. He blinked twice before taking the wash cloth from Daniel. Yeah, definitely a concussion.

He had left the room then, giving Johnny a chance to dry off. He crossed the hall into the bedroom and picked through the clothing there, trying to find a new outfit. Everything was wrinkled, Daniel noticed and allowed himself a small smirk.

"Daniel." Johnny's rough voice startled him, his name sounding odd, coming from the other man. He was standing in the door frame with a towel around his waist.

"Yeah?" Daniel said softly.

Then nothing. Johnny stood there as if stuck, before finally crossing the room to take the clothes from Daniel's hands. Daniel turned around so he could change.

Turning back again he found Johnny now dressed, sitting on the side of the bed, gently prodding at his head. Daniel sat next to him and waited.

Johnny shifted, antsy, giving Daniel pause. He thought back to earlier, noting how sometimes closeness or touching seemed to unsettle the other man.

Daniel moved away slightly, giving Johnny room.

Moments passed and Daniel worried that he wasn't going to find out what had been the cause of Johnny's breakdown. He wondered what Johnny had been about to say, before Johnny spoke up again quietly.

"There's something wrong with me."

Johnny released a heavy breath, like he had just revealed a dark secret. And Daniel knew then that Johnny wasn't finished. It was killing him not to press further, but he waited.

A minute passed before Johnny spoke again.

"I let Kreese-" Johnny stopped. Then tried again. "Back then, before-" Then more silence.

Daniel's heart was hammering as they sat, side to side. He itched to move closer and comfort Johnny, but forced himself to stay put.

When Johnny spoke again, it felt surreal. It reminded him of the hollow, sinking feeling he got when he received bad news. The kind of bad news that changed your life.

"I let him touch me. Kreese." Johnny sucked in a breath. "I didn't want him to hate me. So I let him. Whatever he wanted. He never made it hurt exactly, it wasn't like that. He said he _loved_ me. But it was me. I just let him. I never even _tried_ \- I just wanted-"

It felt like the world had dropped out from underneath him. Daniel felt ill. "Johnny, you couldn't have consented, you know that right? Johnny?"

Johnny stared down at the ground, shaking his head. "There's something _wrong_ with me. Why would I let-. I mean, when he came back I, I just wanted-"

"Johnny, please, listen to me. He took advantage of you. Of your age. That is _not_ your fault."

Johnny pressed his palms into his eyes. God, Daniel just wanted to grab him in his arms. He selfishly wanted that comfort, to hold Johnny tight as if he could keep the other man from hurting. From falling apart.

"You should be disgusted-" Johnny spoke so softly, Daniel almost missed it.

"No Johnny! With Kreese definitely, but NOT with you."

This was unbearable.

"Johnny come here." Daniel was begging. "Please Johnny? Please come here?" He braced himself for rejection. Johnny was gonna need space, he wasn't going to want- "Oof!"

Johnny had all but tackled him, his whole body weight thrown forward into Daniel, arms around him and forehead pressed into the crook of Daniel's neck.

Johnny clung to him like he was drowning and Daniel was the only thing keeping him afloat.

Having recovered from the shock, Daniel wrapped his arms around Johnny, holding him closer.

He had no idea how to help. He wasn't sure he was strong enough for this, for Johnny. For now he just held him.


	7. Chapter 7

Johnny wasn't sure what had possessed him to fling himself at Daniel. Maybe it was the way that Daniel had said please, as if he truly believed that Johnny wasn't sick. As if he had really wanted Johnny to come closer. ' _Please, Johnny._ '

Johnny's chest moved quickly, his breath catching every so often as he let quiet tears run down his face. He thought Daniel might be doing the same.

Daniel had eased them down onto the bed then, keeping his hold. Daniel was mostly on his back and Johnny had curled into him, almost on top, face still in his neck.

He was unprepared for how good it would feel. Something about the tightness of it made him feel safe. Grounded.

Light touches. Caresses. That was the kind of shit that made him want to crawl out of his own skin. The kind of shit that sent him back in time to Kreese's office, fourteen years old and desperate.

He felt Daniel begin to relax into the embrace and wanted to yell at him not to ruin it. He squeezed Daniel tighter, hoping he'd get the hint. Don't make me ask.

But Daniel didn't take notice, seeming content with things as they were. Johnny squeezed again.

"Tighter." Johnny mumbled into Daniel's neck.

"Hmm?"

It was hard enough getting the word out once.

"What? Johnny? I didn't hear-"

"Tighter," Johnny said, only slightly louder. Then added, "Feels better that way."

Daniel sniffled and held him hard again and Johnny shuddered at the pleasant warmth that settled in his stomach.

He had finally told someone. He wasn't sure how he felt about it yet. His mind was buzzing and his thoughts slow, only half lucid.

He felt spent. Whether it was a concussion or the gravity of his confession, he didn't know. But it had taken everything out of him. And he didn't have the energy to even figure out what would come next.

He only knew that now, for the first time, probably ever, it felt like he had done something right. Being in Daniel's arms felt good. And he didn't want it to end.

* * *

Daniel rolled over in his bed. Again. He couldn't sleep. This wasn't working out.

They had visited the ER after what happened, confirming Johnny's concussion and getting him stitches. Johnny had been uncooperative and combative, giving the nurses a hard time. He had been cagey when the doctor asked him how he had managed to get the injury, but had told them that he fell out of bed. Daniel wasn't convinced. His best guess was that Johnny had been drinking and fell or got into a bar fight, and didn't want to admit it.

Sam, Robby, and Anthony had looked at Daniel as if he had grown an extra head when he told them that Johnny was moving into the extra bedroom. Johnny hadn't wanted to antagonize Robby by intruding on him in the guest house. And so Daniel had made up the bed in the room across the hall from his own.

Johnny had only been here a week. But the easy dynamic that Daniel and the kids had established was thrown off kilter with Johnny's sudden awkward presence.

After what Johnny had confessed, it made Daniel feel awful that he was so annoyed. He didn't think Johnny was being irritating on purpose, exactly. But even Daniel had to admit that the man was aggravating him.

Dinners had been interesting, to say the least. Sam, and even Daniel himself couldn't help but glance towards Johnny with a mild distaste as the man practically wolfed down his food messily, finishing his plate at each meal in record time before getting seconds. If Daniel didn't know that Johnny was raised in Encino, he would have sworn the man had been raised in a barn.

Robby would glower at Johnny from across the table, while Johnny in turn seemed intent upon ignoring everyone else at the table. Eventually Johnny started to fill his plate and take it with him back to his bedroom to eat. He was always bringing food and snacks from the kitchen into his room. He had told Johnny that he was going to bring ants into the house by leaving food out or eating on his bed. And he had actually thought Johnny had listened too, until he discovered that Johnny had simply started to stash it in the bedroom closet.

Then there were the windows. It had become a battle of wills between him and Johnny. Johnny would shut the curtains immediately upon entering a room, liking the dark. Daniel inevitably found himself moving from room to room, re-opening the curtains and letting the light back in, only to discover that throughout the day Johnny had begun closing them again behind him.

And Johnny's drinking was out of control. Daniel had even noticed that in the morning before Johnny left for his new roofing job that he had been having a few drinks, before grabbing his keys to _drive_ to work. And then _climb_. On a _roof_.

Daniel sighed heavily.

They hadn't talked again. If Daniel was honest, he wasn't sure that he even wanted to. He almost didn't want know what other horrible secret Johnny might have hidden. Or to talk more about the one he had already shared.

God, it was so selfish and made Daniel feel like shit. He _wanted_ to be there for Johnny, he did. Yet here he was doing his best to avoid any kind of serious conversation with him. Daniel liked to think of himself as a good person, but he didn't feel like one now. He felt in over his head.

And he was trying to give Johnny space. Daniel was normally a pretty tactile guy, but he didn't want to make Johnny uncomfortable and so he had been keeping his distance.

Daniel turned over in bed again and tried to block out the sound from the other room. Johnny was constantly leaving the tv on loud during the night. Unfortunately for him, Sam and Anthony were at Amanda's new place tonight. When they were home Johnny usually did a little better remembering to lower the volume at night.

A large thump interrupted Daniel's thoughts. And then a few more. This happened. Every. Night. Add it to the long list of 'Annoying Things Johnny Does".

He didn't know what Johnny could possibly doing at three in the morning, each night, making so much damn noise. Daniel had a vision of Johnny simply pounding on the walls each night just to drive Daniel insane.

There was another loud thump.

That's it. This wasn't working.

Daniel flipped back the bedsheets and stomped out of bed. He crossed the hall in record time and turned the knob on Johnny's door before he even thought about what he was doing.

"What the hell Johnny! I'm try-" Daniel stopped. Johnny had smacked his head against the wall just as Daniel barged in. He was on the ground next to his bed, tangled up in his sheets. His eyes were wet.

"Johnny-" Daniel paused in the doorway, before lurching forward and dropping to his knees next to Johnny's form. "Johnny what's going on? What are you doing?"

"Nightmare." Johnny said, his voice sounding raw. "Fell."

"You fell." Daniel shook his head. "That's not what I heard Johnny, how many times did you fall exactly, because I heard more than one sound coming from in here," he said incredulously.

A lightbulb went on suddenly and Daniel's mind went back to the day he went to Johnny's apartment and the wound he'd found on Johnny's head.

"Johnny, come here. Did you hit your head on purpose?" Daniel said with a sinking feeling and reached over to check for blood.

Johnny jerked away. "Fuck off!" He was holding his hand gently to his chest, and Daniel could see that his knuckles were covered in blood. Daniel looked around to find what Johnny had punched and dropped his hand away.

"Don't even pretend," Johnny continued. "I know you don't care, so don't even bother-"

"Johnny, I do care, what are you talking about-"

"Oh whatever LaRusso, I'm not stupid! I know you can't stand me! And you lied before, because I've seen that disgusted look you get when I'm around. I just don't get why you ever asked me to stay here if you're so repulsed by me. Why did you-" Johnny breathed in quickly, "why did you even get my hopes up."

Daniel was stunned. He didn't even know where to start. "I am NOT repulsed by you. I know we're still adjusting to be roommates, it's only been a week, but I like having you around, Johnny I-"

"You do not! That's bullshit. Nothing I do is good enough! You invited me to have meals with you guys, but then you give me that look, like you're pissed at me for showing up. So I tried eating in my room and you don't like that either! You have all these crazy rules, and I can't keep up! You won't let me close the curtains, or wear my shoes, or leave the tv on-"

"Johnny, those aren't crazy rules, they're completely normal house rules." Daniel just barely managed to keep himself from rolling his eyes.

"Maybe where you're from, Danielle! Not my fault your mom raised you to be a control freak."

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose. It was happening again. He was trying to see eye to eye with Johnny, but he just couldn't get a handle on the man. It's like Johnny took everything the wrong way.

****

Johnny sighed and lowered his head into his hands. "I thought-" Johnny started. I thought I had done something _right_ , he wanted to say. He had told Daniel about Kreese and Daniel had held him for what felt like forever. And then _still_ insisted that Johnny come stay at his house.

He should have known it was too good to be true. That Daniel had just felt sorry for him and probably regretted his offer immediately.

He never should have said anything.

The problem was that once he had told Daniel, it felt like the flood gates had opened up. He wanted to say more. Not just about Kreese, but Sid, his father, and his mom too.

They were the kind of things he usually had trouble just thinking about, but lately it felt like it all was there, just hanging on the tip of his tounge, waiting for the right opportunity to spill out.

But Daniel had been avoiding him. He kept conversations light, and changed the topic often. And he skirted around Johnny if they got too close to eachother. Like he really was disgusted by him. And that part really bugged him, Johnny found.

It was so stupid, but he found himself craving the way Daniel had held him the other day. Even the way he had helped him in the tub. Johnny was embarrassed to admit, but it had felt nice. He wasn't used to having someone take care of him. Both things had been so _intimate_. At least it felt like it to Johnny. And he had foolishly thought things might be changing between them.

God he was so pathetic. It's not like they were _together_ . It was obvious now that Daniel had just helped him like a friend and Johnny felt like he was taking advantage of the man's kindness.

"I shouldn't have agreed to come here," Johnny finally said softly. "I know you just felt bad, wanted to help, 'cuz you're a good guy. I'm sorry I dragged you into my mess, I should have never said anything."

He felt Daniel shift uncomfortably. "That's not even close to the truth, Johnny."

Yeah right.

"Really," Daniel continued, "I'm glad you told me, I just got scared. That I wouldn't be able to help you. Or that I would make things worse."

Johnny understood how that felt, he seemed to always make everything worse.

"I'm sorry I've avoided you," Daniel said.

Yeah.

It didn't change anything though, Johnny thought. Didn't change that Johnny was feeling a longing for Daniel that he knew the other man didn't return.

"Johnny can you look at me? Please?"

He couldn't. Daniel would be able to read his face if he did. See how pathetic he was.

"Johnny, tell me what to do. Tell me what will help," Daniel said desperately.

God, please just hold me again, Johnny thought. The words got stuck in his throat. _Please_.

He was falling apart again. So fucking terrified that Daniel would turn him away.

"Daniel," Johnny said brokenly.

"Tell me, Johnny."

"I need-" Johnny's breath caught. He hadn't even realized that he had started crying. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking. "Please, Daniel." He looked up slightly, not to Daniel's face, just enough though to glance at his frame. Johnny reached his hand out across the floor, grabbing the fabric on Daniel's shirt and tugged once.

* * *

God I'm such an idiot, Daniel thought to himself when Johnny pulled at his sleeve.

He grabbed Johnny quickly, strongly, a bear hug, and didn't let go.

How had he missed this? He thought Johnny would want space. But that was the exact same thought he had last time too, wasn't it? Right before Johnny had tackled him into a hug. ' _Tighter, feels better that way_ ,' Daniel recalled Johnny's words. Johnny was starving for it.

Yes, the man still flinched at contact and closeness, it had obviously been something that he'd come to expect pain from. Daniel knew that. And thought space was the best way to respect what Johnny had gone through.

But he hadn't realized that just maybe Johnny still wanted it. Needed it. For someone to show him affection that wasn't tainted by abuse.

"I'm so sorry Johnny. I'm sorry I didn't figure it out." He held him close, "I wanted you to have space, I didn't think you wanted me touching you, but I've wanted to Johnny, please believe me. I wanted to help you. I'm sorry I made you feel like I was avoiding you."

Daniel rested his cheek against Johnny's head and then shifted away. Johnny stiffened and resisted, clinging. "It's okay Johnny." Daniel eased himself out of Johnny's grip, just far enough so that he could take Johnny's face into his hands. He felt static in the air as the feeling in the room seemed to shift.

Johnny's eyes were so, so blue. And so scared. Waiting.

He was almost overcome by the feeling of affection and fondness for Johnny that filled him.

Daniel used his thumbs to wipe at the tears on Johnny's cheeks before pressing a kiss to his forehead.

There were butterflies in his stomach. _How had this taken so long_? It was the only thought in his head when he moved in again and pressed a chaste kiss against Johnny's lips before pulling back.

Fuck. This was dangerous, he thought. Johnny was hurting and dealing with some truly awful shit. This wasn't the time.

Johnny whimpered and pulled Daniel closer, hands tugging at the sides of his shirt. "I want-", Johnny didn't finish his thought and instead just leaned in passionately and kissed Daniel back.

"Johnny wait," Daniel sighed.

Johnny looked up sharply, hurt clouding in his eyes, and started to pull back.

"No, no, that's not what I meant! Johnny. I want this too. Just," he paused, considering his words. "I don't want to push you-"

"I'm a grown fucking man LaRusso," Johnny bit out. "Just because some shit happened to me when I was a kid, doesn't mean I don't know what I want now."

"Yeah, well maybe I don't know what _I_ want, okay?" Daniel said.

Johnny's face fell and Daniel could feel that he was loosing him. But the timing just didn't feel right. Johnny had been in tears, on the floor, hurting himself, just minutes ago.

He tried again, hoping he hadn't ruined their chances. He could see Johnny's defenses were back up, the vulnerability from moments ago was gone. "Me and you, together? Let's do it. I'm in. But we gotta take it slow. I don't want to rush things."

Johnny was shaking his head. "It's been over thirty years, come on, how slow do you want to take it? Maybe we can get to second base sometime when we're eighty," Johnny said seriously.

Daniel smirked despite himself. "Admit it man, we don't have the best track record in seeing eye to eye. I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. And honestly, Johnny," Daniel took a deep breath. "I think we should get you some help. Like professional help."

Johnny was pulling away now and trying to stand. "This is fucking bullshit," he muttered. Then louder, "if you don't want to fucking be with me then just man up and say it!"

"Johnny, I do want to be together. But I want you to be okay too! And this, this stuff, it's way over my head Johnny. I don't know how to help you, okay? I want to be here for you, but you need more than that. Please, Johnny, I care about you."

Johnny thought hard for a moment before answering flippantly, "can we at least make out, or is that too much for your delicate sensibilities?"

Daniel sighed, "Johnny, it might not be a good idea right away, if we-"

"Oh _come on_ , I was joking! Seriously? You say you want to be together, but we can't even make out? What the fuck?"

"If we start fooling around, we may not want to stop. I don't want to rush into something and then have you regret it after. Or during. What if something I do, like, reminds you-"

"I can have sex LaRusso, my dick didn't fall off!"

"Johnny, can you please just take this seriously?" Daniel said loudly.

Johnny stepped into Daniel's space, nose to nose. "I am dead. Fucking. Serious," Johnny said lowly. "You don't get to tell me how I'm feeling or decide my sex life. Trust me, I've never had an issue with it before." Johnny paused, thinking hard. "Is this some kind of hang-up you have with being gay or whatever? Cause I don't want to start this just so that you can pussy out on me. You're either all in or you're not."

"What? Johnny, seriously no. I've been with guys. It's been a while, I'll admit, but that's not the issue."

"Then what is your fucking problem? Stop pussyfooting around! God, I never would have told you anything if I'd known all you were gonna do is treat me with fucking kid gloves!" Johnny yelled, breathing hard. " _You_ may have just found out about it, but _I've_ been dealing with this shit for forty fucking years! I'm fine!"

"You are not _fine_!" Daniel yelled back. "Johnny, you need help," Daniel said softer, tired. "The drinking, the breakdown you had the other day- now these nightmares, the.. the self harm?" Daniel gestured at Johnny's bloody hand and head, "you tore your stitches open."

Johnny stood, chewing on his thumb nail, thinking. Then he touched the side of his head and saw blood on his fingertips when he brought them back down. He sighed. "So if I 'get help' or whatever.. then we can be together? You're sure?"

Daniel nodded. "Yes, Johnny. I want this. I mean it." Daniel brought one hand up to Johnny's face, "I want you."

Johnny closed his eyes and leaned his face into Daniel's hand for a moment and said softly, "I want you too. God Daniel, I-". He looked up then and brought both hands up to take Daniel's head and brought their foreheads together. "Okay. I'll try."


	8. Chapter 8

They were taking things slowly. It had it been a few weeks, but Daniel was happier than he'd felt in a long time and they'd been working on establishing their own routine.

It was an odd and backwards relationship that Daniel had some difficulty following. It wasn't the standard first date, anniversary, move in together progression. They'd gone from being rivals, to roommates, to partners. He wasn't really sure how things would move forward.

Since Johnny was already moved in, they simply started by sharing a bed. In the mornings, Johnny had to leave for work first, but Daniel always woke up early to make them and the kids breakfast.

Daniel had relatively short days at the dealership before leaving to teach at Miyagi-Do. Johnny on the other hand, had long days of physical labor. He didn't seem to mind the work, but he came home tired.

It hadn't been easy. True to their form, there were some rocky days. They were working through things though, one day at a time.

They had talked more about the drinking and he was pleased to see the other man cutting down a bit. It was a start. He at least hadn't been drinking before work under Daniel's watchful eye.

They hadn't talked about Johnny joining Miyagi-Do. Daniel wanted him to, but karate had been a sore subject for Johnny, so he had let it be for now.

And Johnny had been opening up to him. Sharing little bits here and there, quietly, almost as if he didn't want to burden Daniel.

Their first night in the same bed, Johnny had turned on the tv and raised the volume before lying down.

It had been a long day, and Daniel was in no mood to be putting up with _anything_ standing in the way between him and a good night's sleep.

"No way," Daniel had said when he walked in the room. "I'm not sleeping with the tv on Johnny."

Johnny rolled over to see Daniel standing near the bed in actual, honest to God, pajamas.

"What are you eight?" Johnny smirked, "who even wears pajamas? This isn't 1950. Want me to buy you a nightcap for Christmas?" Johnny snickered to himself before rolling back over on his side and settled into the bed. "Tv stays on," he said decisively.

"No," Daniel said and reached over hitting the power button, "it's not," he snapped. He could see Johnny tense at his tone, but was too crabby to care. "Believe me, you do not want to mess with my sleep. I'm not arguing about this, Johnny," he said sharply.

Daniel slipped into the bed next to Johnny, sensing the other man's unnatural stiffness.

But having his sleep disrupted was something that Daniel had never tolerated well. He felt exhausted. If Johnny wanted to sulk then so be it, he just wanted to sleep.

Johnny stayed quiet, still pouting Daniel figured. But then a few moments later, Johnny spoke in a small voice. "Daniel? Are you awake?"

Daniel huffed, not quite ready to admit that he'd been harsher than he needed to be.

"Please can we turn it on? I'm sorry I made fun of you." Johnny said, his body still rigid. "I was just joking. Daniel? It's too dark, and it's too quiet- I can't sleep like this."

Daniel's irritation waned at the softness in Johnny's voice. Johnny was usually so snarky, and Daniel wasn't used to it yet, hearing Johnny sound vulnerable.

Feeling bad now, Daniel scooted close and pressed his head into Johnny's back and curled his arm over Johnny's stomach tightly. "Sorry Johnny I'm just tired," he pressed a kiss to the back of Johnny's neck.

Johnny's body relaxed finally and he let out a shaky sigh. "What if I turn it on, but keep it muted? It's too dark Daniel."

Daniel felt his chest squeeze uncomfortably, Johnny sounded almost afraid. And so they had compromised for the night. But the next day Daniel brought home a shopping bag and passed it to Johnny. Inside was a white noise machine with a small light on top. "Won't it bother you?" Johnny asked.

"That's what I got this for!" Daniel pulled out an eye mask. He smiled and kissed Johnny on the cheek, "sorry I was cranky. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, I think this will help." Johnny's smile was worth it, Daniel thought.

But Johnny was still having nightmares. They were violent and filled with a wild thrashing that usually ended with Johnny falling to the floor. Daniel felt dumb that he hadn't figured it out right away, that these nightmares had been the source of the sounds coming from Johnny's room those few weeks ago. That it hadn't been Johnny simply trying to antagonize him.

Daniel had to admit that it was tiring though. Waking up each night disturbed his normally peaceful sleep, but he was glad to be there for Johnny. Glad that he was there to comfort him. And to try and stop him from hurting himself. He had to be quick though. Johnny was often disoriented and was fast to start hitting his head or punching things before realizing where he was.

It broke Daniel's heart to see Johnny hurting so much that causing himself physical pain brought relief to the hurt inside him.

Johnny _was_ seeing a therapist though at Daniel's insistence.

Reluctantly, but still. Dr. Blue, who insisted that they call her Gloria, had a good balance going between a no bullshitting attitude and a sense of humor that helped put Johnny somewhat at ease. He had skipped out on at least two sessions that Daniel knew of initially, but had grudgingly attended the rest. So far.

Daniel wasn't sure just how well Johnny was cooperating with her, but he was at least going. He did know however that Gloria had put in a referral for Johnny to see a physician. Reoccurring head trauma and concussions weren't something to be messing around with. And when Johnny had described to her that he had headaches, light sensitivity, dizziness, and trouble concentrating she had put her foot down.

Daniel really hadn't known it was that serious. Johnny had never directly mentioned to him that he was struggling during the day. He'd been sent home with a diagnosis of post-concussive syndrome, migraine medication, and instructions to do as best he could from sustaining any other head injuries.

Johnny sheepishly admitted that the headaches were the reason for their 'War of the Curtains,' as Daniel had come to think of it. He had been happy, at first, when he had noticed that Johnny hadn't been closing the curtains as often. It was a small pet peeve, and really not that big of a deal, but it showed him Johnny was trying. But when he thanked Johnny one day he was saddened to discover that Johnny had been trying to avoid the sunlight to ease the headaches he had given himself from his post nightmare self harm.

It was a lot. And Daniel still struggled sometimes with the weight of Johnny's pain. But he committed himself to simply listening and doing what he could to just be there for him.

* * *

Johnny had been living in the LaRusso house for three weeks now. They didn't want their relationship to seem like a secret. So they had sat down with Sam, Anthony, and Robby and told them. Well, Daniel had told them. Johnny had sat quietly by, chewing on his thumb and pretending like he wasn't there.

Things had settled down considerably as everyone got used to Johnny's presence. The kids had even begun to warm to him.

Anthony seemed to actually enjoy the bickering between himself and Johnny. It had become an easy banter, back and forth, trying to one up each other and get the better 'burn' as Anthony would say. It was entertaining to watch to say the least. And Johnny had been trying to teach Anthony how to shoot bottle caps, although it was slow going.

Sam had been more conservative, watching Johnny from afar, not quite spying exactly, but observing him carefully. He drank. Quite a lot, and probably more when she and Anthony were at their mom's, she guessed. And he was loud when he ate, loud when he drank, and loud during the night.

And he often seemed anxious, jumpy almost. She had startled him more than once, not on purpose, just by moving suddenly or being loud.

She had been comforted though by what else she saw. Johnny wasn't so tough, she had realized. He was almost sweet when he thought no one was watching. She often found him listening to a very old walkman, humming and sometimes singing softly to himself, while he did chores, moving about the house. He was always moving. Like he was trying to distract himself.

It was always the same cassette tape, the same songs. He had a good voice too, she thought as she heard him singing by the pool,  
" _Will you ever win?_  
_Rhiannon, Rhiannon, Rhiannon,_  
_taken by, taken by the sky_."

"Johnny?"

He nearly jumped out of his skin and barely caught himself from falling in the water, "Jesus Christ, kid! You gotta stop creeping up on me, that's like twice today."

Sam scrunched her face up, eyes guilty, "Sorry Johnny, I didn't try to."

Johnny's face softened some, "uh, hey just forget about it. No big deal, I'm just kinda jumpy. Too much coffee or something probably. So. Did you um, need something, or?"

"Oh, well, I was just wondering what that song was," Sam asked. "Not that I was, like, trying to eavesdrop," she said trying to cover for herself. She didn't want him to know she'd been watching him.

"What, this song I was singing now?" Johnny asked.

Sam nodded.

"Seriously, kid? It's Rhiannon." He looked at her expectantly, as if she'd suddenly remember a singer she had never heard of.

Sam looked at him nodding, "Oh okay, I just never heard of her. Maybe I'll check her out, Rehane?"

Johnny stared at her again in disbelief. "Kid. Come on. Are you messing with me?"

Sam looked at him in confusion and shook her head.

Johnny rubbed his eyes and sighed as if she had just _seriously_ stressed him out. "Rhiannon is the name of the song. By Fleetwood Mac? You know, Stevie Nicks? Dreams? The Chain? None of this is ringing a bell?"

Sam couldn't help but laugh at how seriously disturbed Johnny seemed. "I can play them on my phone," she offered. "If you want? I can link them to the Bluetooth speaker and we can listen here by the pool instead of on that thing you've got, the sound would probably be better-"

"You can play it from your phone?"

Now Sam looked disturbed, "Yeah, of course you can, don't you know how?"

Johnny shook his head no.

And so they had sat by the pool, resting in the sun while listening to Fleetwood Mac, and Sam understood immediately why Johnny liked listening to the woman's gentle, mesmerising voice.

Things weren't so awkward between them after that and Johnny liked to leave her cassette tapes to borrow. She didn't have the heart to tell him that she couldn't use them, but she still played the songs on spotify so she could report back to Johnny later.

Sam quickly developed a fondness for Johnny, for the happiness that he was bringing her dad. She had been surprised at first, when she saw the change in her dad and Johnny's relationship after only a short time. She rolled her eyes and scoffed in good nature when Daniel had finally told her and Anthony that they were together. As if she hadn't already noticed the static between them and the gentle closeness. 'I'm not blind', she had said with a smirk and small laugh.

* * *

Robby had been irritated with Sam and Anthony for befriending his dad. And since Mr. LaRusso and his dad had started 'dating' or whatever, he felt like he had lost an ally in his dislike for the man. He just couldn't seem to let go of his own anger. But he had reluctantly decided to try and give his dad a chance. His dad had been trying to engage with him, but they were having trouble finding common ground.

Finally a week ago though, they had a breakthrough of sorts. Robby had told Sam about it the next morning while the two of them trained.

Robby had been floating in the pool while Johnny sat nearby, having taken the lawnmower apart to fix it. Robby had watched him bemusedly, not believing for one minute that his dad would ever get it back together, much less functioning.

Then out of nowhere his dad just started talking. "My mom was an alcoholic," he blurted out without preamble. Robby had looked around, wondering who his dad was talking to at first, before realizing Johnny was talking to him.

And then he told Robby about how he had tried taking care of his mom when he was a boy, a story strikingly similar to Robby's own experience. Johnny never looked up from his work as he spoke, and Robby never interrupted. It suddenly felt like the world had shrunk into a bubble that consisted only of himself, his dad, and the broken mower. He worried that if he said anything the bubble would pop and the moment would be ruined.

Then Johnny had quietly admitted, "She tried, Robby, but she couldn't keep me safe. I was hurt when I was a kid. By people I should have been able to trust." He sighed heavily then, but gave no other details and moved on quickly.

He confessed that he had barely been able to care for himself throughout his adult years. That he had been in and out of homelessness when he had met Robby's mom, unable to hold down a job. That he was drinking worse than his mom ever did. That he didn't trust himself to be around a baby, too dangerous, he said. And how it made him feel like a complete and utter failure to know he couldn't take care of his own child. That he was too scared to even try.

"I've always loved you, Robby. Please don't doubt that. I'm sorry I let you down," he said finally before pulling the mower cord. The engine roared to life loudly and Johnny stood up and proceeded to take the mower around to the back lawn as if he had never said a word.

Robby had been glad when his dad walked away giving him no chance to respond. Because he honestly had no clue what he would have said.

But the anger that had burned in his chest for so many years had lessened. He had never had an explanation before, for why things were so messed up. But it wasn't that his dad hadn't wanted him, though. Or loved him. He knew that now. And despite the darkness in what his dad had shared, Robby felt lighter and even hopeful. Maybe things could be better between them. Maybe this whole thing, his dad and Mr. LaRusso, could actually be changing things for the better. Because his dad had certainly never been open with him like this _before_.


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Johnny sat sullenly with his feet dipped into the pool.

He felt terrified, but it wasn't any of the usual culprits. It wasn't the bad memories, the nightmares, the self loathing, or anxiety that was bothering him. Daniel's mom was coming. To stay with them. For a week. A whole fucking week.

He felt sick. And he was exhausted, having barely slept since he heard. He felt like he was going to tip over at the drop of a hat.

Lucille would be staying in the guest bedroom where Johnny had been a few weeks ago. So he had cleared out everything he owned that he hadn't already moved, into Daniel's room. Their room, Johnny reminded himself. It was theirs now. Daniel had said so.

When she arrived, Johnny had done his best to stay invisible. Skirting about the house and avoiding her when he could. It was suddenly his top priority to get the garage cleaned out. And the cars tuned up. And the pool cleaned.

He was afraid of her anger.

That she would be upset with him for the asshole that he had been to Daniel in high school.

It had been weighing on Johnny heavily for quite a while, and the night before Lucille arrived, he had finally mustered up the nerve to tell Daniel that he was sorry. It should have happened _long_ ago, Johnny thought.

He hadn't wanted to bring it up earlier, almost afraid that if he did, Daniel would remember how awful Johnny had been and would second guess why he was even with him in the first place.

But Daniel was gracious as always. Forgiving. "I may not have known it then," Daniel had said, "But I understand it better now. You have to give yourself a break, Johnny. You were in a really bad place then."

"Doesn't change what I did," Johnny whispered. "I was taking things out on you, I'm really sorry."

Daniel's mom had gotten there that morning and he had avoided her for the most part. He almost thought that it might just be okay. If he could just continue avoiding her for 6 more days, he would be all clear.

For her part, Lucille had been mostly ignoring Johnny as well. He could work with that.

He had been prepared for her anger. Bracing himself. What he didn't expect was how hard it would be to see her mothering Daniel. The thought sounded stupid in Johnny's head. She was his mother. And Daniel had a good family. So of course she would mother him.

But it was painful.

The way they hugged when she got to the door. How she always touched his shoulder, his hair. Her boy, with baby browns.

It hurt.

He couldn't bring it upon himself to feel jealous though. He was glad that Daniel had been loved. Was loved.

But it hurt.

* * *

It was almost dinner time. Daniel and his mom were happily cooking together. It felt good, he had always loved when they were in the kitchen together, it was a special time for them.

Johnny had been hiding all day, Daniel noticed with a smirk. But he knew that Johnny would never bail out on dinner. Johnny had been enjoying Daniel's home cooked meals as if he was eating at a five star restaurant. He couldn't help feeling proud of himself with how much Johnny enjoyed his cooking.

Daniel was a bit nervous though. He had asked Johnny, as nicely as he could, if he could try hard to show some manners at the table. To play nice and be on his best behavior so they could try to soften his mom's steely attitude towards Johnny. Even the small things could go a long way towards helping tensions, Daniel thought.

It was just the three of them for tonight, no kids. No distractions. They were at Amanda's and even Robby had went along for a day at the beach.

Dinner started off not too bad. He and his mom chatted on, about this and that. Her new neighbor, his karate, the way the food turned out.

But Lucille was mostly ignoring Johnny entirely, as if he wasn't there. And Johnny was staring at his plate, refusing to look up. He hadn't really started eating, and was shifting restlessly as if he was holding himself back.

Daniel started to get worried. Johnny _never_ picked at his food. He usually attacked it as if it had wronged him somehow.

Daniel let his mom finish the story he'd heard before, about packaged food and why she would never eat it, before he tried to bring Johnny into the conversation. "I don't really mind it Ma, but sardines are something I just can't get behind. What about you?" He turned to Johnny, "any food you're picky about?"

Johnny shook his head at his plate.

Daniel looked at him softly, smiling. "Just picky about dinner tonight then, huh?" He teased.

"What? No I just-" Johnny's eyes looked up big.

"Relax, I'm joking," Daniel smirked. "You better eat up though Johnny, before it gets cold."

Johnny pursed his lips into a nervous smile that didn't reach his eyes before finally allowing himself to eat.

Daniel's mom, pretending to ignore the exchange, continued on talking while they ate and Daniel tried to relax into the easy conversation she and him usually had.

He was getting uneasy though. Now that Johnny had started eating, the man seemed to have forgotten Daniel's earlier request. Daniel tried to give Johnny a pointed look, but he was too busy eating messily as if it were a race.

Lucille was shaking her head and Daniel gave a nervous smile, hoping she would let it go.

Then Johnny looked up finally to reach for his water and found Daniel's gaze. An embarrassed look crossed Johnny's face before he slowly took his hand away. "I think I'm full," his voice cracked.

"How can you be sure," Lucille finally spoke. "You scarfed it down so fast, it probably hasn't even reached your stomach yet."

"Ma!" Daniel scolded.

"What?" She said back. "I mean, I'm just supposed to sit here and watch a grown man eat like he's two? I just don't get it Daniel. I was never a fan of that Amanda, but you deserve better than this lump."

"I'm gonna go," Johnny muttered, as he ducked his head and almost tripped over himself as he got up and took off for the bedroom.

Daniel turned to his Mom, "Ma, you know I love you, but you can't talk to him like that. Johnny and I are together and you can either try to accept it or not. But he's not going anywhere." Daniel sighed.

Lucille's eyes softened at Daniel's face, "I just want you to have someone that deserves you, Daniel, I want you to be happy-"

"Johnny makes me happy." Daniel said firmly. "And he deserves me too, Ma. He deserves so much. And honestly I don't know if I can give him everything he should have." Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose.  
"Please try for me, Ma. Johnny is special. And I know he's a bit rough around the edges, but he's trying hard. He's just been through a lot-"

"And what about what he put you through, Daniel?"

"Johnny and I have settled all of that, if I can put it behind me then you should be able to, too. You gotta understand, he was in a bad way back then-"

"Sure didn't seem like it," Lucille muttered. "I'm sure growing up spoiled rich must have been really hard on him."

"It wasn't like that." Daniel said sadly. "I never realized just how good we had it back then, you know? You and I were lucky to have each other." Daniel paused and smirked, "I mean I sure hit the jackpot having _you_ for a mother.'

"Oh, you suck up," Lucille swatted at his arm lightly with a grin. She sighed. "I suppose I can try for your sake, Daniel." Lucille smiled gently, "but I'm not making any promises." She reached over for a hug.

Daniel sighed in relief, "Thanks Ma."

"Come on, are we still gonna have our movie night?" She asked as she headed to the living room couch.

Daniel glanced at the closed door of the bedroom where Johnny was still hiding. Despite his defence of the man, he still found himself quite irritated with how dinner had gone down. He had asked Johnny to _try_ and instead he had been rude and set his mother off, leaving Daniel to smooth things over.

He decided not to check on him, not just yet. Even just for his own sake, to let his anger cool down. He didn't want to end up starting an argument when he knew that he just needed a little time to let it go.

"Daniel?" His mom called from the couch. "You coming or what?"

"Yeah Ma," he said, making his way over. "What are we watching?"

* * *

Johnny didn't want to admit how scared he felt.

He had tried, really. He just-

God, he just always had to fuck everything up, didn't he?

And now he was hungry. And so fucking tired. And he was starting to get one of his headaches. His thoughts felt cluttered. The doctor said it was common for post-concussive syndrome.

Maybe this was it, Johnny thought. Family meant everything to Daniel and while he seemed to have earned the kids' favor, if Daniel's mom hated him.. Well, that would probably be the end of it. They hadn't even been together for three weeks, Daniel probably wasn't too invested in him.

Johnny could feel his thoughts racing and spiraling darker. He tried to remember what Gloria had said about 'cognitive distortion' and 'challenging his own thoughts'.

But Lucille was right. She had said the words that had been knocking around Johnny's own mind since everything started. Daniel deserved better.

And Daniel hadn't come to the room yet. Johnny had been anxiously awaiting the confrontation that he knew was coming. Daniel would stomp in with his Jersey temper, ask Johnny what the hell he'd been thinking, before breaking it to him that things weren't working out.

But Daniel still didn't come. This was almost worse, he thought. A few hours passed, waiting anxiously. Unable to distract himself, he simply sat, imagining what Daniel would say. Should he be gathering his things, he wondered? The longer he waited the darker his thoughts got and he could feel himself being wound tight. His stomach growled. Shit.

Johnny opened the door quietly, just a tiny bit, and poked his head out. He could see the tops of their heads over the back of the couch. The tv was on, but there was no other movement or sound from Daniel or his mom. They must have fallen asleep during a show.

Daniel must not have been able to bring himself to even deal with him, Johnny thought. It wasn't a good sign. Johnny pushed down the urge he felt to slam the door on his hand and break every bone there. Or to throw his head through the wall. He knew it would make him feel better. But as Gloria had pointed out, the relief never lasted. Hurting himself had become a knee jerk reaction and an instant distraction. But the comfort it brought was always so short lived. It never lasted as long as Johnny hoped. And he usually felt worse afterwards.

Johnny's stomach growled again.

He wished he had talked to Daniel sooner and told him the truth.

But there had been a lot of shit in Johnny's life. More than he could simply dump on Daniel all at once.

Johnny had told Daniel about Kreese. Daniel knew about the nightmares. And Daniel knew that Johnny sometimes hurt himself. That all seemed to have been more than enough of a burden on Daniel.

But this was one of the secrets he hadn't shared with Daniel yet. He wasn't sure why. He had trusted Daniel with so many things already, he didn't quite get why he couldn't bring himself to talk about it. It felt _shameful_.

But Johnny had always had a thing about food. It made him nervous. There was a time where they had very little before his mom had married Sid. Sometimes not enough to eat everyday, sometimes not enough to even eat every _few_ days.

When things had been particularly bad, he found himself stealing and sometimes even eating out of garbage cans. It was humiliating to think about.

Then his mom had married Sid. They went from not having enough food to eat, to living in a mansion in Encino with an entire kitchen stocked full.

But instead of feeling comforted and secure, it made him feel anxious. That it could be taken away at any moment. The fear of being hungry again woke him up at night.

He started taking food from the kitchen and hiding it in his room and his bathroom. Just in case.

When meals came, Johnny found himself panicked, and couldn't help but eat so quickly that he sometimes made himself sick.

As soon as Sid realized the issue Johnny was having, he immediately began using it against him. He was quick to take away meals as punishments, and was furious when a maid discovered Johnny had been 'stealing' food.

After that Sid started keeping the kitchen locked.

Over the years there were times it hit hard and other times when it didn't bother him so badly. But when Johnny had lost the dojo and his apartment along with it, his old fears started haunting him again.

He would tell himself before eating that he would slow down and not freak out. But as soon as there was food in front of him, he just couldn't stop himself.

God, he was hungry. He knew Daniel was making them a special meal so Johnny had eaten a small snack for lunch to save room for a big dinner. But then dinner had been cut short. And that had been almost four hours ago now.

_Don't freak out. Don't freak out._

But he couldn't handle it, being hungry, not even a little bit. Not when he was already anxious about the argument that happened with Lucille. Not when he was already terrified that Daniel was going to leave him. A sickening dread crept into his chest. He felt panicky.

Shit.

An irrational fear told him to avoid the kitchen. _That was Daniel's sanctuary, he wouldn't want you messing around in there. Sid locked you out for a reason. Daniel probably would too if he could._

Johnny shook his head and tried to stop the erratic thinking that was taking over. It didnt work.

Shit. He needed to do something. He was starting to feel paranoid.

He couldn't go to the kitchen. He would have to sneak by Daniel and his mom to get to the kitchen and he didn't want to risk waking them. He didn't want to risk making Daniel angry. _Daniel or Sid?_ A voice said. _Who are you actually afraid of? This isn't 1982._

He tried to remember what Gloria had said about 'grounding himself.' But as usual, the voice of reason in his head was drowned out by his disordered thoughts. He felt like he was going crazy.

He only had one option left. The guest bedroom. He still had a few small snacks there, didn't he? Ones that he hadn't had time to move before Lucille came.

By this point Johnny was shaking. He knew if he couldn't calm himself down he would have a full blown panic attack. _Seriously? Isn't that what's already happening now?_

Johnny poked his head into the hallway one more time and made his way across the hall.

* * *

When Lucille woke up on Daniel's couch, she had to take a moment to remember where she was. They must have fallen asleep during the movie. A new one was playing on the tv. How long had they been sleeping?

She wondered if Johnny had been in the the bedroom this whole time. She was beginning to feel a bit contrite for how she had behaved at dinner. Daniel did seem to be serious about Johnny and she saw how upset it was making Daniel that she and Johnny weren't getting along.

She could understand Daniel's attraction to the other man, he had been a beautiful kid back in the 80s and was still a beautiful man with his beach blond hair and blue eyes.

But she was having a hard time getting over the other man's cruel behavior towards her son back in the day. Daniel said they had worked past it, though. She really didn't have a choice but to trust Daniel's judgement.

And while the man now seemed unkempt and coarse, he hadn't seemed cruel. And although she was busy pretending to ignore him for most of the day, in all honesty she had been doing everything but. She was puzzled by the way he looked at her and Daniel. Not quite jealous. But something.

It wasn't until now when she really thought about her and Daniel's talk that she was able to pin down Johnny's expression from earlier. Longing. Daniel had said that, 'he was in a bad way, back then' and 'you and I were lucky to have each other.' Yes, it was longing that she saw in his face. She wondered about his family life then and realized that she didn't really know anything other than that he came from money.

She was going to try for Daniel's sake, to get to know Johnny better and give him a chance.

She reached over to shake Daniel's shoulder. "Come on Danny boy, we fell asleep. You can't stay on the couch."

"Come on, not yet," Daniel muttered before settling further into the cushions.

Lucille chuckled and decided to give it a minute. Daniel was always a beast to wake up. She needed to get ready for bed anyway.

But as she made her way down the hall, she heard sounds coming from her room. Daniel's bedroom door was ajar. It must be Johnny. What on earth was he doing in her bedroom, she thought suspiciously.

She walked quietly, hoping to catch him in the act of whatever he was up to. But she stopped short in the doorway. It was hard to see, the lights were off and some moonlight was all she had to go by.

Something was wrong.

She stepped further into the room. Johnny was on the floor between the far wall and the bed. He was panting and rocking back and forth. There was food strewn about, unopened packages of beef jerky, trail mix, dried fruit, and crackers.

She knelt down in front of him, trying to catch his attention. So far it didn't seem liked he had noticed her at all. "Johnny? What's wrong?"

Johnny's head jerked up sharply then, his eyes wild. He was clutching a small bag of some kind of food, but he was shaking so badly that it kept falling from his hands.

"Daniel!" She shouted, hoping he would wake up in the other room. Whatever issues she had with Johnny, she certainly didn't want to see him like this. She was still a _mother_ , and those instincts were on overdrive seeing him so distressed.

She turned back to Johnny and tried again. "Johnny, it's Lucille, what's wrong?"

Johnny panted harshly, "Can't. Get. It. Open. I'm. Gonna. Starve."

It was such an extreme over exaggeration that it could have been comical. But Johnny was far from joking. She could see the tears on his face now up close.

She turned back to holler again for her son when just then he appeared in the doorway. "Ma, what's wrong, did you shout?" He noticed Johnny then and rushed over, kneeling down next to them. "Johnny! What's wrong?"

"I'm. Dying." Johnny gasped between breaths and tried to hold up the bag in his shaking hands. "Help. Me. Daniel. Gonna. Starve."

While Johnny was talking, Lucille had already moved to sit next to him.

"Johnny, you're having a panic attack," her son said, kneeling in front of him. "Trust me. You are not dying, Johnny, I'm not gonna let you die. Can you take a deep breath for me, Johnny?" Daniel looked over to her then, "Ma, wait, that might not-"

"Shhh now," Lucille wrapped her arm around Johnny's back and brought the other one across to pull Johnny's head to her shoulder in a side hug. She rocked him gently and kept up her murmuring. "You're okay, sweetheart. That's it, deep breaths, I'm here now, you're okay."

It was working, Johnny was slowly but surely beginning to calm down. The adrenalin was draining from him and he had become drowsy in her arms. She could feel his weight getting heavier as he stopped supporting himself and drifted lightly, not quite asleep. Just spent.

When she glanced up she saw her son's surprised look.

"So yeah, maybe we didn't get off on the right foot, Daniel, but I'm not a monster. I wouldn't want anyone to be in pain like this." She whispered, believing that Daniel was surprised at her tenderness for the man she had just seemed to despise only a few hours earlier.

"No Ma, I know that!" Daniel said reassuringly. "I just- he's just picky about being touched, he doesn't like it unless it's just right. Generally speaking, I mean. I was just surprised he didn't get upset, is all."

"Well dear, I don't know where you got that idea, but I think he seems to be liking it just fine."

"Well you must have the magic touch then Ma," Daniel said with a sad smile.

"I hardly think I'm the only one, Daniel, you seem to have been down this road before," she said soberly.

Her son looked to Johnny and nodded.

"Come on now," Lucille said, trying to shake off the dark mood. "Let's get this boy off the ground. Unless we all want to sit here all night."

"You hear that, Johnny? We're being evicted from the guest room, let's go big guy," said Daniel.

Johnny roused slightly and stood with some help.

"I'm sorry," Johnny started to say, sleepily. "I tried not to wake you."

"Nonesense," she said firmly as she held his hand and moved them towards Daniel and Johnny's room. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

But Johnny still seemed out if it. Disoriented. "I didn't mean to wake you up, I'm sorry. I was hungry."

Lucille felt guilty at that, "Well Johnny, I seem to remember that you were scared away from the dinner table by a cranky old lady earlier, so I don't blame you."

"Johnny, why were you trying to eat in there though? Why weren't you in the kitchen," Daniel asked.

"Thought you'd be mad at me," Johnny said tiredly as he laid down on the bed, curled up slightly on his side. "Didn't think you would want me digging in your kitchen."

Lucille sat down next to Johnny on the bed still holding his hand. "Why would Daniel be mad for something like that dear? You live here too."

"Not for long," Johnny mumbled with his eyes shut. "He's gonna kick me out, I messed everything up."

Her son looked shocked, "Johnny, what are you talking about? We're not breaking up just because dinner didn't go well. Come on, did you seriously think that?"

Johnny shrugged his shoulders and Daniel sighed and ran his hands over his face as if he wasn't sure how to respond.

"Speaking of dinner," Lucille started, "I wanted to apologize, Johnny. I shouldn't have said what I did. It was unkind, and I'm sorry."

"You only spoke the truth," Johnny whispered. "Your son does deserve better. I'm a mess."

Daniel pulled a soft chair next to the bed and touched Johnny's hair, "Please don't talk like that, Johnny. You mean the world to me."

Lucille's heart melted at the love she saw in her son's eyes. But Johnny looked away uncomfortably and it saddened her to see how he struggled with Daniel's words.

"I'm sorry too," Johnny said to her after a moment. "Wasn't trying to be rude. Just got carried away." Johnny rubbed his eyes tiredly and took a shaky breath before continuing. "I just get a little worked up about food," he said ashamed. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it, Daniel. I didn't want you to know."

"Johnny, you can talk to me about anything," Daniel said as he rubbed Johnny's scalp.

There was silence for a moment as Johnny considered. She would have left them to their privacy then, only Johnny still held her hand tightly in his own, like he wanted her to stay. Like a child needing his mother.

When Johnny spoke, his voice was tired and slow. Like he was having to push the words from his mouth. Like he was ready to drift asleep. "Before mom married my step dad, we didn't have enough to eat. My real dad had just gone to prison and she was drinking more and not working. I was always so hungry." Johnny let out a shaky breath. "Summer was worse, 'cuz there was no school lunch. Sometimes I didn't eat for a few days. It was really bad when I was nine. That summer was the worst. I was eating out of the dumpster." Johnny brought his hands up to rub at his eyes.

Lucille's heart was breaking and she could only imagine what that would have been like. She thought Johnny had come from money. She had struggled as a single mother, but things had never gotten that desperate for her and Daniel.

"Then we moved in with Sid. I wasn't used to there being so much food, not when we first moved in." Johnny's breathing picked up, "I took little bits here and there so he wouldn't notice and hid it around the house. Cuz you just never know when you might not get to eat. I just wanted to be prepared. One of the maids found out when she cleaned my room and told Sid." Johnny stopped and swallowed. "That's when he started locking the kitchen, so I wouldn't keep stealing, and taking away meals when I got in trouble. He knew it bothered me. I guess it still bothers me. I just feel so anxious about it, and if I hide food around, it just makes me feel a little better. Like I'm prepared."

Johnny turned his head away and pressed his face into the bed. When he spoke his voice was muffled by the pillow, "I guess I just got upset, 'cuz of dinner and all. Then I started getting hungry, and I- I just panicked. I wasn't thinking straight. I was afraid to go in the kitchen. That you would think I was stealing food. I know its crazy now, but it made sense at the time," Johnny said with a shrug. "So I went to the guest room, 'cuz I knew I still had some food there. But I was shaking so hard that I couldn't get the bag open and I just lost it. I really thought I was dying."

Her son brought his forehead down next to Johnny's. "I'm proud of you Johnny."

"For what," Johnny gripped her hand tighter, "spazzing out?" He shut his eyes, avoiding them both.

"No. For not hurting yourself. You were upset, not thinking clearly. But you didn't hurt yourself. Do you have any idea how big that is?"

"But I wanted to," Johnny said guilty.

"But you didn't," Daniel said firmly. "That's what matters."

Lucille placed her other hand on top Johnny's, the implications not missed by her, "sounds like a pretty big win to me." She looked at Daniel and smiled, "remember what we always did when you were younger, Danny, if you woke up in the night? For a midnight snack?"

Daniel smiled then, big, " _rainbow pancakes_ ," he chuckled. "Pancakes. Whipped cream. Rainbow sprinkles. What do you say, Johnny? You up for a midnight snack with me and Ma?"

Johnny sighed into the pillow with relief, "God, yes. That sounds perfect, I'm so hungry."

Daniel stood up and clapped his hands together, "great, I'm gonna get started. I'll call you when they're almost done." He kissed Johnny on the forehead and then reached over to do the same to her, before leaving the room. "Won't take long," he said over his shoulder.

"How are you feeling?" Lucille said and brought Johnny's hand up to her and pressed a kiss there, not really thinking about it. Just doing what she would have done if it were Daniel.

Johnny opened his mouth to answer, but choked up when she kissed his hand. He rubbed at his eyes with his other hand, wiping away the wetness there. He cleared his throat and was surprisingly honest. "I'm so tired, I've been worried about you coming and haven't slept well," he admitted sheepishly without looking at her. "But I feel loads better now. You're not so scary," he said jokingly. He paused and then spoke again seriously, "thank you for helping me, Lucille."

"Oh call me Mom, honey," she said gently.

And my god, she thought, he was beautiful when he smiled.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please check the notes before reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the hardest chapter I've written.
> 
> Fair warning for anyone who would like to read:
> 
> Johnny and Daniel work through a sexual negotiation exercise that provides a platform for couples to divulge their wants and needs. And more importantly here, what they 'Don't' want. 
> 
> Johnny's abuse is not described directly. Having said that, Johnny specifically lists and describes his triggers. The goal here is to develop a trusting foundation for couples to build sexual intimacy upon with a focus on understanding what each other consents to. 
> 
> My intent was for this to be cathartic, not triggering, but how you respond may not be what I intended. Please read with caution.

He hated this. Why did he even keep coming back here?

Johnny sat in the dark, softly lit room of Gloria's office, hiding his bandaged hand in his sleeve.

He was staring resolutely at the desk that was off to the side. At the half-full cup of water there. The phone. The jar of pens.

Gloria sat in a chair opposite him, waiting patiently. "I understand that it can be difficult to talk sometimes. So I'd like to talk about a worksheet I have for you."

That brought him back fast. "Homework? Are you serious," Johnny said incredulously.

"Its not a punishment, Johnny. It's just an alternative way for us to communicate and move forward. You might find it a helpful way for us start conversations about what's happening in your life. I want you to use this sheet if you have an incident that has bothered you. It simply asks you to describe the situation and then write down what your thoughts are, what emotions you're feeling, what your body is feeling, and what your behaviors are."

Johnny sighed, this sucked.

"Look, how about we just try it now and see if it helps? Take a few minutes and write about what's bothering you today. You're having trouble telling me about it, right?"

Johnny nodded, reluctantly.

"So you might just find it easier to write about it." Gloria passed him a sheet and pen, "Do you want give it a shot?"

 _No_ , Johnny thought, but took the items anyway. He stared at the paper for a moment and rubbed his face. Might as well get it over with. He began writing.

·Describe the situation: _me and Daniel haven't had sex yet and we tried but I spazzed out_

·Describe your thoughts: _racing, kept thinking that Daniel was gonna be upset. Kept thinking we should try again even though I didn't want to. That there was no reason for me to freak out so we should keep going. Wanted to hurt myself_

·Describe your emotions: _confused because I've never freaked out about sex before with other people, angry at myself for messing things up, scared from things I was remembering, scared that Daniel would leave_

·Describe your body's sensations: _dizzy, tingly, sick, hard to breathe_

·Describe your behaviors: _I knew Daniel wouldn't hurt me but i still kept flinching and I ran out of the room, I threw up in the bathroom. I punched the bathroom mirror and tore open my hand. I hit my head on the wall_

There. Johnny rested his head in his hands and took a shaky breath before handing the paper back to Gloria. He figited anxiously while she read.

"Thank you for sharing with me, Johnny. Let's start at the top. You and Daniel haven't been sexually intimate yet?"

Johnny shook his head.

"Can you tell me how the decision to have sex came about? Was it spontaneous or discussed before hand? Who initiated things?"

God this was so fucking uncomfortable. "I've wanted to since we first got together. Daniel didn't think it was a good idea before. But we've been going slow, like just backrubs and cuddling or whatever," Johnny's face flushed in embarrassment. "We haven't really kissed even. Till a couple days ago. It felt amazing. Like really good. No problems. But we stopped. Did it again the next night, same thing. Then yesterday when we were kissing again I told him I wanted to keep going. Then, just the way we were sitting, I don't know.. before I knew it, I just started feeling.. uncomfortable. Then panicky."

Gloria nodded. "When you began feeling that way, what did you do?"

"I tried to keep going. I didn't want to mess things up."

"You said that Daniel didn't want to rush into things at first? Has he given any indication that having sex was a condition for the relationship or that he expected it from you?"

"No! No he's not like that. At all. _I_ had to convince _him_. When I started getting upset, he was the one to stop things, I wanted to keep trying."

"I'm glad to hear that he stopped and that you don't feel pressured by him, that's huge. It means that the pressure you felt was internal, not an external pressure from Daniel. And we can work on internal thoughts, that's what I'm here for. Why did you feel like you wanted to continue even though you felt upset?"

"Because I _finally_ convinced him that it would be okay. I _really_ did want to do it. I just don't _get_ it. I've had sex and it never bothered me before." Johnny could feel himself getting angry.

"Johnny, you need to know that what you're experiencing is completely normal. I'm glad to hear that you've been feeling sexual desire and that you've had experiences in the past that have gone okay. What were those relationships like?"

Johnny shifted in his chair. "Well they weren't like, actual relationships. It was just, casual. People from the bar, or whatever. Guys or chicks, didn't matter."

"So two things. One, alcohol could have played a factor in helping you feel less inhibited. Two. Sometimes, especially for men, it's common to feel as though sex is just something you do with your body. Not an extension of a loving relationship. And performing the act in a casual setting can be easier to manage. With Daniel, you're trying to engage intimately for the first time. Dealing with sexual abuse can take decades, Johnny. If this is the first non-casual relationship you've had then it stands to reason that this may be the first time you've had this specific struggle."

Johnny nodded trying to process.

Gloria waited a few moments before continuing. "You've described that Kreese was like a father to you. That you went to him for shelter, affection. You trusted him. You loved him. That's why the loving relationship you have with Daniel is more likely to bring back these negative memories, then say, a casual fling. The good news is that we can work with this. You're not the first person to experience these same things. If they can heal, so can you."

Yeah, Johnny thought, feeling almost hopeful. Now he remembered why he kept coming back here.

* * *

When Johnny got home Daniel was waiting for him anxiously. They had agreed that Johnny should see Gloria first thing that morning after what happened.

God he felt so guilty about last night. They never should have kept going, but things had just been going so _well_. Then Johnny had changed. His actions becoming pressured and frantic, forcing himself further.

Daniel realized something was wrong then, finally, but by then it was too late. Johnny had taken off down the hall and locked the bathroom door behind him. Then Daniel heard the vomiting. Then the mirror smashing and more banging. He had to force the door open, concerned that the door might hit Johnny, but far more scared of what Johnny might do with that glass.

When they got back from the hospital to get Johnny's hand fixed up, Daniel had tried to talk to Johnny. But the other man had simply shut himself away in the guest bedroom. Daniel followed him, dismayed to find Johnny curled up and crying. Then they were apologizing to each other. Johnny begged for forgiveness, sorry that he had messed things up, worried that Daniel didn't want him anymore. Daniel had cried then and held Johnny close. Told him he was sorry if he had pushed him. Sorry for whatever he had done to trigger Johnny's panic attack. They fell asleep there on the extra bed, but when he woke up Johnny had already left.

So Daniel had been waiting near the door, like a dog, he thought, just waiting. As soon as Johnny came back, Daniel shot up, standing, wanting to run to the other man, but unsure if he should.

Johnny looked tired and shuffled in the entryway, not meeting Daniel's eyes. They stood there awkwardly, waiting for each other to make the first move.

Johnny's shoulders drooped as they stood there, seeming to take Daniel's silence the wrong way. He quickly tried to change that, "I missed you, Johnny."

Johnny looked up hopefully and nodded, "you too," he said quietly.

"Want to talk?" Daniel asked.

Johnny quickly shook his head 'no'.

"Want to eat?" Daniel tried.

Johnny shifted closer, reaching forward to tug on Daniel's shirt before slumping into him, hands around Daniel's waist. "I could eat."

Daniel huffed out a small laugh and kissed the top of Johnny's head. "No eggs though, right," Daniel smiled.

"Not unless there's ketchup," Johnny mumbled into his chest.

While they were eating, Johnny pulled a few rolled up packets of paper from his back pocket and slid them over to Daniel hesitantly. He was staring at his food while he spoke. "Gloria said we could try this. If you want to, I mean." Johnny cleared his throat uncomfortably and spoke again, his voice getting quieter until Daniel had to strain to hear him. "It's for, um, you know, like negotiating sex or whatever. So I don't ruin things again."

"You didn't _ruin_ things, Johnny, that wasn't your fault," Daniel said quickly, brushing his hand reassuringly across Johnny's before taking the papers.

He scanned the sheets, seeing a list of sexual preferences, positions, words, types of environments. The list went on. "This is a great idea, Johnny, let's do it. I should've thought of this, we can figure out ahead of time what kind of stuff we like and don't like."

"I _knew_ you'd like it, you and your checklists and plans and calenders." Johnny said with a teasing smile.

"Hey, I have my methods and you have yours," Daniel said back with a laugh. "Not everyone can let the cards fall where they may." This was good. They were easing back into it. The teasing being a comfortable entry back into normalcy. "Come on, finish eating Johnny, I want to start getting going on this."

"Jesus, Daniel, no need to be such a go-getter, it's not like we gotta turn it in for a grade." Johnny laughed.

But, by that evening they both wore nervous expressions as they exchanged papers to take a look at what the other man wrote.

There were four packets, two for each them, all identical. They were a long list of various sexual topics and each line had a place to mark 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe', plus a few lines below each one where you could write a comment to clarify. Gloria had suggested that to keep it simple, they use one packet each to focus on things they wanted to _avoid_ and the other packet to focus on what they _enjoyed_.

Daniel had found some of the items surprisingly difficult. There were plenty of easy answers, but some that gave him pause. Things he hadn't considered. He was worried that Johnny might see his preferences and feel obligated to play along, even if he didn't want to. He reminded himself that, no, if anything Daniel wrote on his sheets was listed as a no-go on Johnny's that it would be off the table and vice versa.

He took a breath, calming himself before starting to read Johnny's papers. He started with the no-go's.

Next to environment Johnny wrote, _'no sex in the dojo,'_ and _'need some light.'_  
Daniel kept reading.

No sex with their gi's on.

No sex after karate or working out.

No punishments, spanking or slapping.

No dirty talk that implied that Johnny was 'bad', 'naughty', or 'misbehaved'.

No calling him 'pretty boy,' or 'blondie' or other name-calling.

No watching pornography together before or during sex.

No biting.

No being on the receiving end of oral sex. Daniel thought hard at that and wondered if maybe at some point, recieving oral sex had forced him into experiencing physical pleasure when he hadn't wanted it. God, Johnny had been so _young_. Daniel felt a shiver go down his spine.

No sitting on Daniel's lap.  
_Fuck_ , that last one made Daniel's heart lurch, that's how they were positioned last night before Johnny panicked. The implications of why all these things made Johnny uncomfortable were clear and painful to think about. He wanted to kill Kreese.

The list went on and Daniel swallowed hard.

No kissing Johnny's neck.

No asphyxiation. Johnny had underlined it twice. Then he had written in the notes section below it, ' _deep throating is ok if you warn me first, but I don't want my neck touched or to be choked._ '

Daniel had to take a break then, and glanced over to Johnny. The other man was sitting still with his head down, but his eyes looking towards Daniel. He cleared his throat, "You okay, Johnny? Anything there upset you?" He asked pointing to his own sheet in Johnny's hand.

Johnny shifted, "Um, I haven't started yet."

Daniel considered him for a moment, "None of this is gonna change the way I think or feel about you Johnny, you know that right? This stuff, this isn't your fault. And I'll _keep_ saying it, Johnny. What happened wasn't your fault."

"I'm not worried so much about you knowing the stuff I _don't_ like," Johnny looked down. "I'm worried about you seeing the things I _do_ like."

Daniel gave a small laugh and smiled, "Johnny, man honestly? I was worried about the exact same thing. I mean, what if you're bothered by something I like? You can tell me, you know? Please promise you'll tell me?"

Johnny looked up finally, surprised. "You're worried about what _I_ think."

"Well yeah, I mean none of this is easy. It takes a lot of trust to share these things with someone. But I think this is really good Johnny. This is a _really_ good thing. I just want to be with you. And this can help us get there, so long as we're honest with each other."

Johnny nodded, looking a little less stressed and finally looked down to start reading. But despite his comforting words to Johnny, he still felt anxious as Johnny began reading. He shook it away and tried to focus on the next page in his hand. The one showing what Johnny enjoyed.

Daniel was pretty sure he knew where things were going to go on this page and he reminded himself that relationships were about compromise. It wasn't that he was feeling disappointed. Resigned maybe? Daniel had a feeling that what he enjoyed wasn't going to work with Johnny. But that wasn't what was important. He wanted Johnny to be comfortable and was willing to meet half-way if it meant making the relationship work. _Johnny_ was what mattered. Johnny was more important than his fantasies.

Daniel took another breath and began reading.

Johnny liked getting massages, _'lots of pressure',_ Johnny wrote in. ' _light touches are bad most times, but sometimes don't bother me, not sure why_ '

He liked being held, _'tighter is better'_

He wanted Daniel on top of him, _'I like the weight'_

Daniel knew these things already, Johnny had explained how the firmer touching calmed him. He had even researched it a bit and had ordered a weighted blanket for Johnny that was in the mail as a suprise.

Johnny liked being held down. _'not tied down, just held down by you.'_

Wait, what? Daniel re-read it twice to be sure he understood, surprised that Johnny would want that. But he guessed maybe it did fit in along with the other things so far.

Ok, so maybe he didn't know as much as he thought he did. Daniel shifted in his seat. When he had read the first packet he'd been filled partly with fury and partly with concern. Now though? This page?

Thinking about Johnny's desires was getting to him. He imagined running his hands over Johnny's body, giving him a backrub, pressing his weight down on top of him. _Stop_. He was supposed to be learning from this, not getting carried away in a daydream. Daniel shook away the thoughts and tried to focus on continuing.

Johnny liked kissing. _'lots of it'_

He liked his hair touched, even liked it pulled.

He marked 'yes' next to recieving anal sex and Daniel felt a burning deep and low in his stomach.

Below that he marked 'maybe' next to giving anal sex. _'if you want??'_ Johnny had written. _'like it better the other way, but not against trying.'_

He liked giving oral sex, _'okay if it gets rough but not mean, so long as we talk first.'_

Now Daniel was _sure_ that this wasn't where he expected things to go. So far what Johnny had wrote, aligned just right with what Daniel himself wanted. He tried not to get too hopeful and pushed the feeling down, continuing down the page.

Johnny marked 'yes' to 'Praise' and had underlined it. Next to it, Johnny had written and then erased and re-written several times before settling on the words, _'want you to be happy with me.'_ Daniel's chest squeezed and the feeling in his lower stomach intensified.

Daniel couldn't suppress a sharp intake of breath when he went on. Johnny wanted Daniel in control. Actually 'submissive' was the word that the sheet used, but Daniel had a hard time identifying that word as something that would describe Johnny.

Out of all the things he was curious about or expecting from this exercise, _this_ was the one thing that he had dismissed outright. Daniel liked being in control. _Loved_ it actually. But he assumed from the very start that it was absolutely off the table. Johnny had already had his control stripped from him. He never thought in a million years that Johnny would want to be placed in a submissive role.

Daniel looked up to find Johnny already looking at him with a panicked look on his face. He had apparently noticed Daniel's surprise and had guessed what he had just read.

Johnny opened his mouth several times before stumbling over the words. "It's not.. I don't want to be _forced_. Like, I just want you to be in control, so I don't have to _think_ , I can just do what you ask. But not, like in a way where you're mad at me. Or.. upset or trying to hurt me. I just want you to be happy with me. It's like, if I can trust you enough to give you complete control, then it almost feels like **_I_ **gave **_you_** that permission, like I'm somehow in control anyway. Daniel? I don't know how else to say it. I know it's weird, people like me don't want stuff like that, but there's always been something wrong with me, I-"

"Jesus Johnny, stop." Daniel said and moved next to him. "There's nothing wrong with you. And I think I get it. Kind of. It's like, being able to trust someone in that way, after what happened, it's like restoring what was taken from you?"

Johnny nodded enthusiastically, the relief on his face was palpable. "I didn't think you'd get it, I thought you'd think that maybe I _liked_ what happened back then and wanted to re-live it or something. It's not like that. I just want to feel..safe. Like you're taking care of things, of me."

"Johnny, I get it. I get it, don't worry. And I'm all in okay? You read my sheets, right? So you know that's what I like, being in control? I just thought it would be off the table. I told you these things were a good idea," Daniel said with a small smile.

Johnny shook his head, and let out a small embarrassed laugh. "This fucking sucked, man. It wasn't easy writing that shit down, you know?"

"I know, Johnny, I'm sure it was beyond difficult. But can you imagine us ever reaching this kind of understanding otherwise?"

"No guess not," Johnny said as he slumped into the couch. "Glad it's done though. Can we burn that shit now, before one of the kids finds it?"

"Let's just hang on to them for now, okay?"

Johnny huffed out a breath and let himself fall over, head in Daniel's lap. "I'm burning it," he said smiling, only partly kidding.

Daniel laughed, "we'll find someplace safe, I promise."


	11. Chapter 11

Daniel was already relaxed on the couch, pajamas on, feet propped up and t.v. on, when Johnny trudged through the door. It had been a brutally hot week, hotter still while working, stuck on the roof of some rich couple's newly built home.

He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep doing this. His sunglasses only did so much to shield his eyes from the glaring sun and each day he had been coming home with blinding headaches. Light sensitivity.

And dizziness. He had fallen at work today. He still felt the sick dropping feeling that had flipped in his gut before his harness had caught him. Small miracles.

He had felt more than a little shame when the doctor had mentioned that the symptoms of his post-concussive syndrome could last anywhere from months to over a year.

He had still been having nightmares, but the comfort of having Daniel next to him each night had changed things. He hadn't hurt himself since their failed attempt at intimacy. He couldn't allow himself to feel good about it quite yet though.

Guilt pinched at his chest. He had done this to himself, it was his own fault.

"How was work?" Daniel mumbled distractedly, not pulling his eyes from the screen.

"Mmm," Johnny grunted wearily, not answering. Daniel wasn't paying attention anyway, thoroughly engrossed in whatever series he was binge-watching tonight. Daniel deserved a break from his baggage anyway, he couldn't keep dumping his problems on the other man everytime something was bothering him; which basically felt like all the time. He wanted a drink.

He peeled his sweaty clothes away, dropping the items on the floor as he stumbled towards the bathroom, vision blurry.

The cool water felt like bliss as Johnny stood under the spray, but he made quick work to scrub himself clean. He just wanted to lie diwn.

He dried off and dressed in shorts and a tank top, his body going through the motions on autopilot, before finding himself in the living room, his foggy brain having drawn his body towards Daniel's presence.

He stood there swaying slightly, wondering if he should just go to bed alone or allow himself the comfort of being near Daniel. It was his own fault he felt like shit anyway and it's not like he needed to be babied. The other man seemed pretty invested in the stupid show he had on anyway. Had barely noticed him since he got home.

He faught down to urge to feel sorry for himself. But he just felt so fucking miserable. His eyes burned as he tried to hold back tears from the headache- definitely from the headache. Definitely not from the helpless feeling that was building in his chest. Fuck it.

He turned away to head to the bedroom and stumbled right into the end table, his knee burning painfully. "God damn it," he muttered wearily. Fucking typical. He reached his hand out quickly to catch the teetering lamp, not fast enough, and it shattered on the ground.

"Jesus Johnny," Daniel said, startled at the crash. His eyes fell to the lamp on the floor, "damn, that was expensive. Anyone ever tell you you're like a bull in a china shop?"

"Shit, I'm sorry Daniel," his words pressured. "I'll pay you for a new one. I didn't mean to." He rushed to pick up the pieces of the lamp that was probably worth more than anything Johnny owned. Why were his hands shaking?

* * *

"Johnny?" Daniel knelt next to him, "Hey, honey? Johnny?" Daniel pulled at Johnny's wrists, trying to stop him before he cut himself. "I was just busting your chops, I hate that lamp." He loved it actually, but could hardly give a fuck, not when Johnny seemed so upset.

"Come on, we can get that later," Daniel said and gripped Johnny's wrists tighter, pulling Johnny up to stand. He was able to see the other mans face clearly now and immediately shoved his foot in his mouth. "Jesus, you look like shit!"

Johnny's breath hitched and he pressed his palms to his eyes, a gesture Daniel knew meant that the other man was trying not to cry. Daniel kicked himself. Real fucking smooth. The lamp had obviously been the last straw on something that had been building in Johnny… since when? Had he been upset when he got home? Daniel couldn't remember.

"I am, I'm so sorry Daniel," Johnny said.

"No, I'm sorry-" Daniel started-

"No, I'm, I'm sorry," Johnny interrupted.

"No, Johnny, knock it off. _Christ_ , _I'm_ sorry, okay? That was insensitive, what can I say, I've still got a big mouth," Daniel said and rubbed the back of his neck self consciously. "What are you even apologizing for, it was just an accident."

"I don't know, everything?" Johnny huffed out, his voice slightly histerical. "I've spent years keeping all my fucked up bullshit to myself and now that I have you I've just been… dumping it on you! I know it's a fucking burden and I know I shouldn't expect you to carry all my baggage, I just keep- I can't help myself- it's like some stupid part of me thinks you'll be able to make everything better. It's not fair to put that on you-"

"Johnny, thats-" Daniel couldn't finish before Johnny started up again, breathing hard.

"Did you know," Johnny reached down to grab the lamp cord, the mangled base swinging, "Kreese wasn't the one to make me such a freak about having my neck touched?" He gripped the cord tight in both hands and pulled, snapping it sharply. "That was my dad, the _real_ one, the one that thought it was hilarious to choke me until I pissed myself in fear. His arm, his belt, a rope, a cord like this. Anything convenient really. And now everytime I see a fucking belt, or rope, or cord, I freak out. Everywhere I fucking look- it's always _something_ \- reminding me- of _everything_. And I can't keep it in anymore, I can't-"

"Okay, okay, okay. Johnny, take a breath." Daniel took one himself, his eyes watering at the picture Johnny just painted. The image of a small blond boy, hurting and afraid. "You're not a burden, number one. Two, you're _supposed_ to lean on me, that's literally what I'm here for, we support _each other_. I am here and I will listen to anything and everything that's bothering you and I will do my damnedest to help you feel better. God, Johnny, please don't _ever_ feel like you need to hide things from me for my sake.

Johnny's whole body deflated, "I'm just so tired."

"You look it," Daniel steered Johnny towards the couch. "What happened today?" Daniel sat and pulled Johnny, urging him to lay down.

Johnny laid on his side and rested his head on Daniel's lap, eyes on the flickering light of the t.v.

"Headaches been bugging me lately. Everything's too bright, I'm always off balance, my thoughts feel fuzzy. It's my own fault, I know-"

"Shhh, that's all gonna get better, you know that right?" Daniel whispered. "It's not gonna last forever, it just takes time. You gotta let yourself get better. I'll help you feel better."

Daniel brought his hands to Johnny's head and started to message firmly rubbing through his hair, on his temples and his forehead. He kept stroking Johnny there even after the other man's exhaustion overtook him and he drifted to sleep.

Daniel settled back into the couch, changing the t.v. channel and getting comfortable. They could stay like this for a while longer.

* * *

When Johnny woke up he was still laying in Daniel's lap, but he had turned to his stomach during his nap. His arms were wrapped around Daniel's waist and his face had turned towards Daniel's body, away from the bright t.v.

Daniel's left hand was in his hair, the other hand resting on his ass. Felt nice. Johnny shifted comfortably and rubbed his face into Daniel's shirt, smelling deeply. Johnny shivered at the familiar scent and made a content sound. "Daniel? You 'wake?" He muttered, his mouth still smothered by the other mans shirt.

Daniel's body was stiff and his voice strained, "oh yeah, I'm awake. Johnny-"

He noticed Daniel's hard length underneath his head then and wondered how he hadn't noticed it right away. Johnny felt is own dick twitch and squirmed his hips under Daniel's heavy hand.

Johnny closed his eyes and turned his face down, rubbing it on Daniel's groin and inhaling again deeply.

Daniel's hips bucked and his hand squeezed Johnny's ass, the other tangling in Johnny's hair. "Shit, Johnny," he said breathlessly.

Johnny mouthed Daniel's dick through his pants and Daniel groaned. He started pushing Johnny away, trying to stand, and for a moment Johnny worried he'd gone too far.

"God, come here Johnny," Daniel helped Johnny stand, then gently pushed Johnny through the hall, to their room and onto the bed.

Daniel crawled over Johnny and pressed their bodies together before he began kissing him.

* * *

Johnny was sure that he had never felt anything better than this. Than Daniel holding him close, and kissing him deep, tongue in his mouth.

He had always thought Daniel was handsome, even back in school. Infuriatingly so. Because Daniel wore it so well, was always so comfortable in his own skin. He had envied him. Because Johnny couldn't come close to feeling that way about himself.

Johnny knew other people considered him attractive, but his own looks had always still made him uncomfortable. Johnny had been called pretty boy and blondie his whole life, for as much good as it did him. All it got him was Kreese.

And despite what he liked people to think, Johnny had never really been with many women. He had left the bar with a handful of girls occasionally, more for show, to prove he was badass and could get the chick. But he rarely took it far enough to get to the bedroom. Shannon had been a rare exception fueled by an almost deadly amount of booze. He didn't remember much from the encounter.

He hadn't been with many men either, really. There had been Kreese, if that counted. Did it? And then he had slept around for cash years ago, when he had been broke and desperate. He had thought about it though. Other guys. Had always known it was there, that part of him. But he had never had the desire to follow through on it. Not for a relationship anyway.

This though? Daniel?

Johnny felt desire. Actual desire, a feeling he was so unaccustomed to. Not just sex for the sake of show, not just a release of tension. He wasn't sure what to do. He wanted this. Badly. He prayed that he wasn't going to mess it up again.

* * *

They laid together and continued kissing, still enjoying the newness and closeness of it. But Daniel noticed that Johnny kept breaking apart to crane his head back and look at Daniel's face before starting up again. Daniel brought a hand to Johnny's face insistently and held him there, brushing his tounge against Johnny's in a slow, deep kiss.

Daniel then pushed Johnny's shoulders gently and moved the other man onto his back as Daniel sat up slightly. He grabbed the bottom of Johnny's tank top and pulled it up over his head, letting his eyes roam over Johnny's chest.

Johnny laid back, still looking at Daniel, his brow furrowed.

Daniel moved to sit on his knees between Johnny's legs, looming over him. "You look so good, Johnny," Daniel whispered as he splayed his hand over Johnny's bare torso.

A deep flush darkened Johnny's face and he sighed, bringing one hand to hide his eyes and the other to touch Daniel's own hand. But the uncertain look he had shown moments before had relaxed despite the blush his on his cheeks. He grabbed Johnny's wrist and pulled the hand away that Johnny was hiding behind. Assurance, Daniel thought. God, Johnny just wanted assurance. _That_ was why Johnny had been stopping to look at Daniel. He wanted to know that it was okay. Needed to hear it. His chest squeezed, "Johnny-"

Daniel was still up on his knees between Johnny's legs, but before he could lean back down onto the bed Johnny pushed himself up, sitting flat, and wrapped his arms around Daniel in a hug. "Please, Daniel," Johnny said, his words muffled, face pressed into Daniel's shirt. "I want you."

Daniel felt a rush of desire at Johnny's words and looked down at Johnny's head. He tugged on Johnny's hair, tipping his face up, away from the safety of Daniel's chest. Johnny's neck strained as Daniel held his head up firmly, forcing Johnny to meet his gaze. "You sure?"

Johnny swallowed hard and nodded with what little movement Daniel allowed.

Daniel straightened up next to the bed and pulled his shirt off. He quickly pulled Johnny up to him, to his feet, and pressed a hard kiss to Johnny's lips. Johnny sighed and dropped his head to Daniel's shoulder, tucking his face into Daniel's neck and wrapped his arms around Daniel's waist like he was trying to meld himself to Daniel. It was the third time now that the other man had hid from him since they started. "Stop hiding from me, Johnny, let me see you."

Johnny shivered and held onto Daniels shoulders as Daniel ran his hands down Johnny's chest, his fingertips brushing against Johnny's nipples on their way down, lower. Daniel gripped Johnny's hip with his left hand and dipped the fingers of his right hand under the top of Johnny's boxers, caressing the skin under the elastic.  
Johnny let out a soft, breathless moan at the touch and groaned in frustration when Daniel pulled his hand out instead of dipping further.

"'S okay Johnny, be patient." Then he hooked both thumbs into Johnny's waistband and pulled his shorts and boxers down letting Johnny kick them off the rest of the way. Johnny shuddered as he stood before Daniel, bare and unable to hide himself behind any clothing.

Daniel moved back to the other man swiftly and held Johnny's naked hips firmly, his thumbs digging into Johnny's skin and forced his tongue into Johnny's mouth. He brought one hand up to tease lightly at Johnny's nipple, rolling it between his fingertips and pinching, just a little, before brushing back over it again.

There was a hot burn in his groin at the whimpers Johnny made and Daniel let out a deep groan. He wanted this so bad. Wanted Johnny. His body. His blue eyes. That vulnerable look that Daniel was still having a hard time getting used to. All of him. "Unbutton my pants, Johnny." Daniel said, his voice hoarse. He wasn't asking.

Johnny's eyes darkened at the command and he nodded, swallowing hard. His forehead touched Daniel's as he looked down and fumbled to undo the knot and small button on Daniel's pajamma bottoms. Daniel's hand came up to the back of Johnny's head, keeping their faces close.

"Good, Johnny, now take it out. There you go, you're doing good." Daniel couldn't help but let his fingers curl into Johnny's hair at the soft touch.

Johnny was damn near panting and Daniel knew he was taking things in the right direction. "You can touch, Johnny, use your hand okay?"

Johnny took Daniel's cock and moved his hand up and down slowly, testing. Daniel swallowed.

He kept his hand in Johnny's hair and pressed gently on his head, urging him lower.

"Good, Johnny, now just kiss it a bit okay? Just your lips."

Johnny let himself be guided down to his knees and then dipped his head, pressing soft kisses to the tip of Daniel's cock and down his length.

Daniel gripped Johnny's chin then, "Look at me," he said roughly.

Daniel waited until Johnny's eyes found his and then rubbed his thumb over Johnny's lips. "Open up, honey."

Johnny's breath came out in a rush, eyes wide, and opened his mouth. Daniel slipped his thumb in and pressed down, opening Johnny's mouth wider. "There you go, Johnny. Are you ready? Can you be good for me?"

* * *

Johnny was so aroused, he could barely think straight. He hadn't known how badly he needed to hear Daniel talking, leading him along, until it was happening. _Can you be good for me?_

Daniel's thumb still held Johnny's mouth open. He could only nod and moan, "uh huh."

Daniel slipped his finger from Johnny's mouth and gripped his jaw firmly, holding his mouth open. Then took himself in his other hand and traced the tip of his cock over Johnny's open lips, coating them with pre-cum.

Johnny could barely stand it, he wanted him in his mouth, but Daniel held back. A pitiful sound left Johnny's throat.

"Hold still Johnny, not yet. It's okay, you're doing good, just let me do this." Daniel let out a harsh breath. "Let me see your tongue."

He couldn't help the whimpers that escaped him as Daniel caressed his lips with his cock. He then laid the tip against Johnny's outstretched tongue, resting it there for a moment and then slapped his cock lightly on it. Then Daniel started again, the same routine, a few times over, indulging himself. Caressing Johnny's lips and slapping his cock on his tongue. Then over again.

Johnny was mortified to feel a wetness prickling his eyes. Daniel was teasing him. He was rock hard and desperate, while Daniel seemed completely in control.

"Oh it's okay, Johnny, I'm so proud of you. Look at you, God, you're so beautiful like this." Daniel tugged at Johnny's hair firmly, pulling his head back, stretching his neck and forcing Johnny to look up. "You're mine now, Johnny. Let me take care of you, okay? Just relax."

A tear leaked out of one eye then, and fell down his face. He felt overwhelmed by the intensity of the situation and Daniel's words. He wanted more.

Daniel pushed into Johnny's mouth then, finally, and Johnny got lost in his mind. His thoughts gone, his body simply existing in the moment. He could do this forever. It was so good. Daniel was telling him how good he was, touching his hair, moving his face how he wanted and using his mouth to pleasure himself. Johnny let himself be used, his hands gripping Daniel's thighs, just holding on.

"God, yes, Johnny. Hold still baby, let me do this."

Johnny's head buzzed and there was a warmth that had spread over his body. His jaw was sore, but it felt far off, the ache barely noticeable. He felt like he was flying. He couldn't think straight.

"Relax Johnny, you're gonna take all of it now, okay? Ready, Johnny? Deep breath." Daniel pushed in deep until Johnny's nose pressed against Daniel's pubic hair and Daniel held him there. Then he pulled away and slowly pushed back in again as Johnny's throat buldged. Johnny swallowed reflexively.

"Jesus, yes, just like that. Good boy, Johnny." Daniel made several more rough and deep thrusts, hard, gripping Johnny's head. Then held him on his cock, all the way down, before letting him come up for air. Johnny gulped quickly before his face was being shoved back down again. And again. Big gulp of air, then again. More air, then another deep thrust, Daniel's hands strong on Johnny's head. "Fuck, swallow it baby. Take all of it. Fuck, Johnny." Johnny held fast to Daniel's legs and tried to swallow around Daniel's cock. There was saliva dripping down from his mouth.

Daniel pulled out suddenly, breathing hard, and gripped himself, trying to hold back his orgasm. "You were so good for me Johnny, so good, come here."

Johnny dropped his head against Daniel's hip and let out a short sob, his chest heaving. Daniel said he had been good. Daniel was pleased. With him. He was overcome by the relief and happiness it gave him. It almost didn't feel real.

* * *

Daniel's legs felt like rubber as he stood there with Johnny still on his knees, clinging to Daniel's hips.

He had never, in his life, experienced something that was so intense. Johnny, who normally had such a large and commanding presence, had been putty in his hands. Johnny had drank up every ounce of praise from Daniel's lips like a man dying of thirst.

Lust was still coursing through his veins, making his skin feel on fire. He pulled Johnny off his knees and moved him firmly back onto the bed. Daniel laid down beside him, leaning over to kiss Johnny's face, each cheek, wiping a stray tear as he went. He kissed him deeply, pushing his tongue in and holding Johnny's head in his hands.

Johnny was shaking. God.

Daniel wasn't going to make it long, the leisurely patience he had before was gone.

"Johnny, spread your legs for me," he said urgently. Johnny inched his heels up and let his knees fall to the sides. "There you go, keep them open."

Then Daniel braced himself on his forearm and took his other hand and pressed his fingers into Johnny's mouth, "get them wet." Johnny moaned and the sound sent a pang through Daniel's chest.

"Good boy," he breathed, letting Johnny suck for a moment before bringing his hand down Johnny's body to where Johnny had obediently kept his legs wide. "Is this okay? Can I?"

Johnny stared at him for a moment as if he hadn't understood the question. He opened his mouth to speak, struggling, before his voice croaked, "Please. Please." He whimpered, "I need-" He voice was choked up, desperate, and Daniel's chest tightened painfully.

"I got you Johnny, it's okay, it's okay. We're gonna go fast though okay? I can't wait, Johnny."

He caressed Johnny's hole briefly before pushing a finger inside, no pausing, no easing into it. Johnny's hips bucked up at the intrusion and squirmed away, but Daniel followed, not letting him get away. He continued the insistent pressure until his finger was all the way in.

"Ah, ah, ah," Johnny breathed out, his fingers grabbing over Daniel's body, looking for purchase.

Daniel shoved himself up with his other hand and reached over wildly to the bedside table for lube and poured some over Johnny's skin, letting some pool and drip behind Johnny's balls. He flipped the lid shut and let himself fall back down to Johnny's side.

Then he pulled his finger out and coated it and another one quickly before pushing both fingers in, all the way, not stopping. He thrust his fingers in and out, opening Johnny as fast as he could without hurting the other man.

The sounds Johnny made were driving Daniel crazy. They were such sweet sounds, whimpers, soft and keening. Daniel pressed his forehead to Johnny's, watching his face, and reaching periodically to lick Johnny's lips and kiss his mouth.

Johnny let out a sharp cry into Daniel's mouth when Daniel curled his fingers upward and found his prostate. "Oh, fffuck!" Johnny moaned. "What the hell?"

Daniel kissed him with a smirk and continued to rub him there, "You've seriously never touched your prostate before, Johnny?"

Johnny squirmed and shook his head, "No, ah, ah. Fuck, not like- ah, right on it." Johnny pushed his hips down, needing _more_. "Nobody's ever," Johnny gasped, "touched me like that. God, Daniel."

With his fingers still inside, Daniel pushed himself up, repositioning himself up to his knees between Johnny's legs. He pressed his free hand to Johnny's bare torso, holding him down, and started to thrust his fingers in with more purpose, dragging the pads of his fingers firmly over Johnny's prostate. "You're doing so good, Johnny. You want more though, don't you? Huh?"

Johnny let out a breathless moan, too far gone to speak.

"I need you so badly, Johnny. I need to be inside you. Come on, honey, say it. You gonna let me use you?" He punctuated his last words with a hard press to his prostate.

"Ye, ye, yes." The words barely fell from Johnny's lips.

Daniel pulled his fingers out and spread Johnny's thighs wider. He held himself in his right hand and pressed the tip of his cock on to Johnny's opening and pressed in firmly, bottoming out in one deep thrust.

Daniel groaned deep, his jaw dropping open at the _tightness_. So fucking tight. He looked up, his eyes finding Johnny's and rolled his hips. Johnny looked absolutely wrecked. "You still with me honey?"

Johnny nodded, eyes glazed over, breath panting from his lips.

Daniel grabbed Johnny's thighs then, under his knees and held both of his legs up and started thrusting. Hard. Fast. They could do slow and gentle later. Daniel needed this. _Johnny_ needed this.

* * *

Johnny felt like he was being consumed, like he had lost himself completely. It all felt so fucking good. Unreal. Like he didn't belong to himself anymore. He felt like he was just existing for Daniel. For his pleasure. Johnny's toes curled at the thought.

Daniel pushed on Johnny's legs, bringing them closer to his chest and- there. Johnny bucked up underneath him as Daniel's cock brushed against Johnny's prostate.

"Don't squirm, Johnny. Hold still." Johnny's face grew hotter at the words. "Hold still for me, come on, let me-" Daniel pinned him in place, trying to line himself up the same as before. Trying to hit that spot inside Johnny again. _Please, please_ , Johnny thought.

No one had ever made the effort before. It was such an intense feeling, one that felt like it was blooming all over his body, spreading to every inch of him. In the past he had felt, occasionally, a slight brush over that spot, a quick feeling of something good, before he and whatever guy he'd fallen into bed with had continued on, drunkenly. Nothing like this.

A few more thrusts and Daniel found it again and was quick to hold him roughly this time, keeping him in place, fucking hard into him, his hips slapping against Johnny's thighs. _Fuck, yes._

"I want you to touch yourself now, Johnny," Daniel breathed the words harshly and Johnny looked up at Daniel's eyes. There was no brown to be seen, they were blown wide. Black. "Come on, honey. You've been so good, you've waited long enough."

Johnny's eyes stung at the praise and he reached his shaking hand down to finally stroke himself, his arm muscles tight and strained.

Daniel bent over, hips moving hard, squishing Johnny's arm, and kissed him roughly. Johnny whimpered, tugging at his cock, the tip grazing against Daniel's stomach.

The pressure was building hot in his belly, low in his back.

Johnny's stomach did a weird flip when Daniel pushed in deep and bit Johnny's lip and spoke. "Come on Johnny, let go. Cum for me."

Johnny's breath stuttered out in short bursts, little sobs of pleasure, as he came hard. It was different, the pressure on his prostate while he came made it feel like his whole body was having an orgasm, not just his dick. And Daniel stared hard into his face while he came, making it all the more intense. No where to hide. His whole body was shaking as he came down and didn't stop. Daniel moaned as he watched Johnnys face and pressed his weight fully on Johnny then, grabbing roughly at the his hands, winding their fingers together and holding them above his head. "Fuck yeah, Johnny, good boy." He pounded into him hard, snapping his hips. "So good for me. You're so good for me." Then Daniel came, forehead pressed to Johnny's, "love you Johnny. I love you."

Daniel let his weight rest on Johnny, catching his breath.

Johnny felt himself shake, feeling overwhelmed, his mind dizzy from the whiplash of emotions. Fear, a sharp contrast to the ecstasy from seconds ago. Scared that Daniel would realize what he said. And take it back.

"Daniel?" Johnny's voice was raspy and breathless.

"Yes I meant it Johnny. You mean everything to me, I love you so much," Daniel pulled one hand down to caress Johnny's face.

Johnny sighed harshly in relief and pushed his cheek into Daniel's palm and closed his eyes, "love you too," he rasped.

Daniel reached both arms around Johnny holding him as tight and rolled to Johnny's side.

Johnny's body had continued to shake while they laid there. He felt raw and completely vulnerable. He squirmed, pressing his body closer, wanting to melt into Daniel and disappear.

* * *

Daniel knew that Johnny hadn't experienced anything like this before. To be honest, neither had he. The passion of it was unmatched.

But in his life Daniel _had_ known intimacy. He had made love, and had felt _trust_ in his past relationships.

His heart burned with the knowledge that Johnny had never had any of those things. This beautiful man who he loved so, so much. He wanted to hide him from the world and keep him to himself.

Daniel scooted upright and rested back against the headboard. He grabbed the pillows and stacked them to his side where they could support his arm. He wrapped the blanket tight around Johnny before pulling him between his legs, cradling the man.

* * *

Johnny curled in, his knees up, arms tucked in, and rested his head in Daniel's arms, face pressed into the man's chest. Daniel held him tight and finally Johnny felt like he was enough. That maybe he could be good enough. Daniel _loved_ him. _Him_. Johnny relaxed into him, settling down, his hiccuping breath evening out. His body settling down. He felt safe.

There was no coming back from this, Johnny thought as he drifted towards sleep. Daniel was his endgame, always had been, for better or worse. He loved him. "-love you, Daniel," He whispered again tiredly. The words felt good.

Johnny felt Daniel smile against his head. "Love you more, Johnny, go to sleep."


End file.
